Joke book

I have appeared at The Stand comedy club, Tennent’s Bar and the Halt Bar. Which is the 3 times in my life I’ve been on stage! Scary. And I was drunk and ill prepared for all three, knowing deep down, or at the surface, that my life wouldn’t be professional comedy.

Bumper Joke Book

BATHROOM COUPLE

What’s that?

It’s a trimm PRO TURBO 3000

What does it do?

Eh…trims my nose hair.

So you are a professional nose hair trimmer?

Don’t be silly.

You missed the ear module.

RELATIONSHIPS

Woman: I feel we need a break, we need distance…
Man: So you are leaving me?
Woman: I meant an ironic distance.

SHOPS

Shopkeeper: All our products are locally sourced.

Customer: Sir, this is Antarctica. It’s just fish.

Shopekeeper: Try our wine selection!

Customer: It tastes like fish.

Shopkeeper (Takes off human suit, is a large penguin): Some people don’t like ambition. All they want you to do is warm some eggs till they hatch!

Man: I was so cold on the bus, I kept breathing into my hands.
Woman: So?
Man: I was one above the guy in the seat in front. He thought I was blowing sweet nothings on the back of his neck.

Shepherd: Did I tell you I won a prize? I rounded up the most sheep.
Man: What, you mean you had 14 sheep in the competition and you rounded up to 20?
Shepherd: No… Did I tell you Sandra wants us to get a German shepherd?
Man: Well, you spend all your time with that sheepdog, no wonder.

Hunchback: Hello, can I live in your Cathedral?
Minister: Eh, what’s your name?
Hunchback: The Hunchback of Norte Dame.
Minister: And why do they call you that.
Hunchback (Stands straight): Don’t know. Were you thinking of my brother, the Humpback of Notre Dame?
Minister: Not at all.
Hunchback: Well, if he’s been round here, touting for business before me, let it be said he wont give the windows a clean, and the gargoyles are right to make faces at him. Stained glass? It will be, he wont chase away the seagulls either. Or the pigeons.
Minister: Sir, we don’t have any vacancies. The building is for tourists only.
Hunchback: Is he in?
Minister: Who?
Hunchback: God.
Minister: He’s in our hearts.
Hunchback: Well, tell him to give mine to Esmeralda.
Minister: I think you are out of your league there, mate.

SILLY

Do you have this in a large?

A what?

This, do you have it in a large?

You mean you want a large rum and coke now?

Yes, I suppose so.

(Bar woman serves large rum and coke)

Where’s the changing room. I want to try it on.

Get out.

PIZZA

Man: You’ve got to try this new pizza, it tastes delicious.

Woman: What’s the base like?

Man: It’s a biscuit base, with a cream cheese topping.

Woman: That’s a cheesecake.

Man: That explains it, I don’t like pizza usually…

BATHROOM
How do the germs know?
Know what?
Know to stop at the toilet lid, and not climb out, into the living room and onto the kitchen work surfaces.
I put signs up, with a picture of Domestos.

Football manager: Right lads, today we are using a zonal marking system…
Player (eagerly): Which zone am I in, boss!?
Manager: Check your bus pass!

Woman: I think we should take up bird spotting.
Man: Yeah, which one?
Woman: A starling, it has spots already, so it’s less hassle.

Manager: Right, on today’s agenda is team bonding. Who wants to go paint balling?
Everyone: Me, me me!
Manager: Sandra, do you want the good news, or the bad news?
Sandra: Both
Manager: Well, you are going team bonding!
Sandra: Yes! Cool!
Manager: But it’s with your own family, at a different date. We decided your coldness stems from your upbringing…ask your mum and dad and extended family to book a transit van.

Stanley: Dr Livingstone, I presume?
Man: I get that a lot.

Bird spotter one: Did you hear that? What do you think that noise was?
Bird spotter two: We haven’t got out of the car park yet.
Bird spotter one: But I heard something rustling in that hedge.
Bird spotter two: It was a pigeon eating a packet of Walker’s cheese and onion.

Man in park: I like your dog, what kind of Labrador is it? I like its floppy ears.
Woman: It’s a red setter…Labrador.
Man in park: I like your dog, it’s quite small for a Labrador.
Woman: Eh, it’s a Jack Russell, Labrador.
Man in park: I like your Labrador, did you take the hairdryer to it? It’s quite curly.
Woman: It’s a poodle, not a Labrador, you berk.

Customer: Do you do toad in the hole?
Waiter: No, we do hole in the toad.
Customer: What’s that?
Waiter: What does it sound like to you!

LAP DANCING
Hi, would you like a drink?
Do you serve tea?
No! What do you think this is?
I don’t know, I only come here for the conversation.

Boris. Kim Jong Un. Trump. It’s coming. As predicted by Nostradamus. The 4 haircuts of the Apocalypse. Watch China’s Xi Jinping grow a mullet (This is a joke book, remember!)

Went on a mystical Greek odyssey, by myself. Nothing much happened. Bumped into a cyclops. Called Ian. I said, “Why are you called Ian?” And he replied, “Coz I got one eye. My brother’s called Iain. With two.” Had my sandwiches and finished my flask of sweet coffee. Went home.

I had a friend whose parents were former hippies in the 1960s. They named their daughter after a region. She used to pretend her name was Africa, but it was “Strathclyde Regional Council”. Her parents had become slightly compromised in their ideals as they got older

I see skies of blue
And clouds of white
The bright blessed day
The dark sacred night
And I think to myself…Did I switch off the oven grill!!???

When the tennis is getting monotonous, a pigeon or something lands on the court, and gives the crowd a hoot. Shame the same thing can’t happen in snooker.

Odeon Ayr ’67: “There now follows an intermishhhion, as the projectionist is drunk. In fact we’re all drunk. Do try the ice cream, although Sandra’s been at the gin as well. Some of it may have melted. If Eric tries to scare you with his torchy face in the dark, just ignore it.”

BREAKING: Dentists admit that eating popcorn in the dark of the cinema is a conspiracy & good for business. As you ruin your teeth on unpopped popcorn kernels

That caffeine shampoo is a bit expensive, so I just mixed up some Radox shower gel, hot water and Nescafe in a cocktail shaker. Now I’ve got a barnet like a Russian Cossack hat!

Phoebe Waller-Bridge joins Harrison Ford in ‘Indiana Jones 5’ She will play a character called Nora Batty. Indy attempts to unearth gold on the Yorkshire hills. With his two pals, played by Liam Neeson and Denzel Washington. Film provisionally titled, “Keeping up with the Jones”.

My pet dog Hugo is classically trained. That’s the 2nd movement this morning.

I bought a new mirror. It’s quite good on reflection.

Someone once told me to “Speak truth to power.” I’ve just spent the afternoon with a herd of cows looking at me askance, while I had a go at an electricity pylon!

There’s New Romantics in the jungle where they filmed Hungry like a wolf. And up the high South American temple in Brazil. Like Japanese soldiers, nobody has told them New Romanticism ended :) They won’t come back to blighty till Simon Le Bon gives them the word.

My name written in Alphabety Spaghetti…my signature dish.

Psychiatrist: I recommend cutting toxic people from your life.

Patient: But then I’d have nobody left!

Psychiatrist: There’s me, you can call me

Patient: Can I keep my best friend?

Psychiatrist: What are they like

Patient: A sociopath with emotional intelligence

Psychiatrist: No, you are better off with me.

Light from the Andromeda galaxy is 2 million years old when it reaches us. God knows what was in Loch Ness in those days. And Snuffleupagus roamed the earth

“Our service is second to none.” Is that good or bad? None would be bad. 2nd to none sounds worse.

“The Spanish flu was herd immunity in action. As when you are dead, you are immune from infection. In a free & fair society, Libertarians have the stiff upper lip and resolve to carry on through death, to buy colourful trousers. Society was built on death. Let’s keep it going!”

I’ve got a drinking problem…4 Bottles of Blue Nun and I can’t use a waiter’s corkscrew.

When I’m relaxing in my pants, watching Football focus, trying to ignore the seagull mess on the window.. that’s when I most believe in Calvin’s theory of pre destination. There are no sliding doors; that mould on the shower curtain was meant to be.

There’s no place like Home… Bargains. Top value. Bottom prices.

Turn back the clock — Easy. Part of the clock’s design. Someone should tell Johnny Hates Jazz.

Turn back time — Difficult. Cher enlisted the Navy gunboats, still wasn’t possible.

Andrea Corr asked me to run away with her.
Turns out she meant the three legged race.
“Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on…leave me breathless.”

Ice cream vans used to sell Minerals:

Can I have an ice cream?

You want any minerals?

What’s that? Can I have chocolate hundreds and thousands?

Nah, we’ve got Minerals: Calcite, magnesite, dolomite.

Can I have a double nougat too?

A nugget? You want gold, we’ve run out…

Galapagos tortoise and David Attenborough walk into a pub. Talk about old times. Galapagos tortoise says to Dave, “I’ll miss you when you’re gone…”

The amount of quotes I see attributed to Rumi, the Persian philosopher. I wonder if he said them all?
“You’ll never put a better bit of butter on your knife” Rumi
“Naughty but nice.” Rumi
“Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back.” Rumi
“You shop; we drop.” Rumi

I’m anti vax…you gotta be pro Henry the hoover! I don’t make the rules.

A gang of youths broke into my dad’s fairground stall…Desecrated coconuts.

I knew a girl in the halls of residence everyone was scared of. They called her “The nutcracker”. People were on tip toes around her.

Ways to boost Glasgow tourism:
Similar to Unknown soldier tombs, have an Unknown kebab lover interred near Bifteki house at St Enoch.
Like in Amsterdam, put the red light locale in the tourist brochures. Have women sitting in the window of disused Poundlands, selling love.

Heard a helicopter circling for a good 2 hours… opened the door. It was just Michael Winslow from Police Academy on a tree swing. Closed the door.

Just had an executive high powered lunch…2 Rustler’s Burgers in a 950 Watt microwave.

Did a brass rubbing of a statue. Found a bunnet nearby. Statue came alive, grabbed hat. I went back and stuck a traffic cone on his head

A lot of songs use the phrase, “Kisses sweeter than wine.” Wine isn’t always that sweet. Although kisses sweeter than Liebfraumilch would be difficult to sing.

Someone should set up a stall, saying “Gay conversion therapy”. And then say, “So, you want to be converted into gay? Well you’ve come to the right place! If you tell a friend or family member you get a discount on drinks at Delmonica’s! Here’s your free, “I’m a gay” badge! Lol.

In the spirit of Bonfire night, where people are allowed to make a noise without getting arrested for breach of the peace, How about “Sing to the stars night”, where people can sing or yodel to the heavens. Until 10pm. Old geezers leaving the pub, singing Up on the roof. Lovely.

Went to farming college to learn the 3 Ooh ARrrs…Apologies for the caricature of simple country folk. Maybe it should have been Pirate College?

Church numbers are going down. An easy way to buck the trend is to offer season tickets to ardent pensioners. Sponsoring the Vicar’s cassock is an option. Communion wafers are an unwelcome expense, instead, sell Peperami to the congregation.

I didn’t last long on One Man And His Dog… I sang Kum-baya instead of shouting Come-by.

“A spider has its skeleton on the outside. Primarily so it doesn’t have to pay for a Halloween costume.”

“We had a minute’s applause at the start of the game, nobody had died it’s just the lads can’t remember what it’s like to be cheered on. Beryl in the control room could only find library music of the Last Night of the Proms. Jim rose like a salmon during Flight of the Valkyries.”

There’s nothing more doomy than The World at War music. It’s like history shaking its head at fragile mankind. Not a good darts walk on anthem

Nobody can play Willy Wonka at any stage. As we all love Gene Wilder too much. It’s like someone saying, “I know your grandfather’s dead, but we’ve found someone to play that much loved figure in your life. You won’t know the difference, in fact it’ll be better.”

I joined Elite singles, cause I wanted to meet someone I could truly *click* with..so I met a dolphin. My lover never stops grinning, and also, makes that clicking noise I was looking for. She would jump through hoops for me (Yet to master a tin opener)

At the museum: These Sunflowers are amazing… the emotional intensity symbolic of Van Gogh’s emotions. The wilted ones at the bottom, life and death. Worth every penny. (Scottish woman buffing the floor: Aye, just wait till you see real ones!)

Say what you want about Stalin, but he had a very feminine & idiosyncratic way of waving to crowds. Like George from Rainbow or something. Lol :)

Became a night time vigilante around Glesga. Since then I haven’t looked back. Mainly cause the sound of my footsteps paralyses me with fear

Like most people in the Grime scene, I started singing in church. While Miss Spinster’s car alarm was going off, and the Rev was bodypopping.

Listening to the omnibus of The Archers. Easier to catch than an actual bus in Ambridge. The Archers (Late) is a better programme. Scrumpy!!

Saw a great film to rival Fast and Furious. It was called Slow and Benign. About people who jog along with a pensioner’s car, and end up going faster than the car. Old lady just smiles out, slow and benign. In the climax of the film, the old lady wins the bingo, gets a fish tea.

“If that’s a small doner kebab, what’s a large one like? Do they give the thing the size of an elephants leg to you in a reinforced bag!?”

Internationally, to people under 20, the most famous Scottish people are Shrek, groundskeeper Willie and Merida/ Brave. #TalkingScotlandDown

Went on a dating site. A woman said she wants someone to watch paint dry with her. I asked one lady what her best chat up line was, she said, “Does this smell like chloroform to you?” Another one said, “I want a knight in shining armour, no a sh*t in tinfoil!”

Game show idea: THE MORAL MORASS… A greased up Michael Buerk stands like a Minotaur at the centre of a moral maze made of splendid topiary. If you meet him, you have to justify your moobs and paunch. Or wrestle him to the death. Sponsored by Rustlers and live on Radio 4.

I find the new “Sunflower spread” advert offensive. Yes, use a man dressed as Van Gogh to promote it… but don’t have him with a bandage on his bloodied ear, while spreading the stuff on his toast with a knife!

I checked one of my meds side effects. It said: death, resurrection and deification in Cumbernauld.

Trump bans the BBC. The people from his mother’s Isle of Lewis should do the right thing. Kidnap him, build a wicker man. Live on BBC ALBA!!

Was appointed to the ethics committee. Got there early sat down. Turned over a bit of paper. It just said “Rock on!” David Ethics committee.

GPs behind closed doors. Without a patient. On a break. Picking their nose. Having a pot noodle. Googling obscure tropical diseases :)

24 hrs in A and E. Is it they film for 24 hrs? Or is that how long it takes to be seen if u go up with a twisted ankle due to under staffing

“Blackbirds are known to be excellent mimics. Their favourites include Robert Mugabe; Harold Wilson and Albert Steptoe…..” CHRIS PACKMAN.

This week on “Back row,” John Wilson rounds up the best films for snogging to. And we go back to a dystopian past, where families living in one room and kitchen fought for King and country, while American films taunted them with modern amenities and houses with inside toilets.

I am Rutherglen’s own Nicolas Lyndhurst from Goodnight Sweetheart. Except I go back to the early 80s by stepping into the Bullseye casual shirt dept of TJ Hughues, Argyle street.

Kangaroos are making great strides in Australia.

My uncle is quite famous. In fact he’s a household name…He’s called Dominic, we call him Domestos. OCD Cleaner

I must be flicking through the channels too quickly. Thought I saw a programme called “Last of the Summer Wine…a Warning from History…”

Just been asked to be Donatella Versace’s muse. Mulling it over.

Teatowel from Home Bargains. “Keep away from fire” Surely you keep everything away from fire? Except coal, and firewood? Call me pedantic.

Stop saying Darth Vader has a cameo in Rogue One. It’s like saying he eats bruschetta and goes caravaning. Or is guest star on the love boat.

Who watches Casualty, for one episode… let alone 30 years? It’s an accident waiting to happen…

It’s a sad fact that when the 3 minute warning sounds, and news channels say “Every Second Counts”. I’ll think of a quiz with Paul Daniels..

Bought some of that Dolphin friendly tuna…my dolphin can’t use a tin opener! Took it back to the supermarket, along with the whiskey that gave me a headache!

Never work with animals or children they said. That’s why I ended up getting frostbite in that ravine after ignoring Lassie and The Famous 5

Nowadays people would be fat shaming Buddha, instead of calling him a fat shaman. I’m sure he’d be philosophical about it all…

Jamie Oliver said he was gonna turbo charge my cottage pie, for a game changing dinner. Does this mean I’ll have to take it for an MOT? Don’t want to taste Castrol GTX in me dinner!

I read Dostoevsky once. “The idiot”, I think it was called. In a few pages, he introduced about 30 characters, and you’re meant to be able to concentrate on what’s happening. It was like walking into a Primark.

Deleted film scene. Mr Bond. Come in, make yourself comfortable. But there’s no chairs. Sit on my knee then. What? Come Come Bond. Relax.

I think Matthew Corbett is losing his mind. I’m his accountant and I chided him for emptying hotel mini bars. He said “talk to the hand…”

As the credits rolled on The Andrew Marr show, I could have sworn he mouthed a few lines of Mr Boombastic by Shaggy at the Prime Minister!?

Remember peaches? Once you’ve had a nectarine, it’s hard to go back. It’s like enjoying a Jazz apple, and someone offering you a hairy Braeburn

Great Super Bowel. I’ve bought Pepsi, Lady Gaga’s album and some oven degreaser. The little men in shoulder pads are good too. GO ATLANTIS!!

Save on heating. Switch your heating off, and sip consistently from a bottle of Buckfast. Still feel cold? Take all the Metros you can carry from the First Bus, and use them as kindling to set fire to your shed. If you are still cold, try wrestling your wife/ pets…

Football rocked by allegations that referees have been offered bribes by foreign gangsters. Police finding it hard to locate whistleblower..

Kindergarten Robocop surprise hit. Tho most toddlers cried when ED-209 read Green Eggs and Ham. Giving kids 20 secs to comply with sing song

Didn’t get by 1st round of Britain’s Got Talent. My impression of Robert Mugabe dressed as Alice Cooper singing Elected deemed inappropriate

Went to Edward Scissorhand’s house. He’s a funny guy, had me in stitches…I didn’t press charges

I hear on Radio 4 that Veganism is taking off!
Well, there are a lot of beans in their diet…

The Bible. There’s 2 main female characters. A virgin. And Mary Magdalene, a reformed prostitute. Was looking for some middle ground between the two. Says a lot about men’s tastes.

Cyber war difficult with a Zx Spectrum. Had to press ESC while someone playing Football Manager and change a player’s name to U R a Big Jobby.

Went on Mastermind. Runner told me not to make any passes. I looked at others. They should be so lucky I thought. Wolf whistled at Humphries

I love boxing, the way the winner offers a piece of wisdom, like they are Buddha, just moments after knocking lumps out of someone.

My great uncle wears lots of rings, we call him Bling Crosby. He also sleeps a lot, and listens to easy listening. So we call him Perry Comatose

Some say in today’s society old people are invisible. That’s why if you want to steal from the supermarket, it’s best sending in your granny

Most TV shows now have tits appearing for no discernible reason, except to titilate. How about books have a pair every 20 pages?

What did Houdini do for escapism?

Had my first acid trip…
Heartburn on the 21 bus to Glasgow.

Love the sonorous chocolate voiced announcer on Radio 4. I like the thought of single old ladies, who were once right wing bordering on racist, being seduced and looking forward to hearing his Shipping Forecast.

Lord of the Flies… but *instead* of a US Navy man landing on the island, making them realise how feral they have become…it’s Jane McDonald

The way The Police and Duran Duran used to do videos in international locations, to make them look international and important…why not have The Wurzels do the same? Agriculture is everywhere. How many farmers in Brazil could relate to I’ve got a brand new combine harvester?

“In a show of solidarity with the diversity mission, the Duke started his speech with, ‘Wha gwan?’”

Sequel to nuns on the run. Nuns in an urn.

*Business idea. RE: HEARSE. The same way people practise weddings, do a run through of a funeral. No indignity of hymn singing unprepared. :)

Countryfile Late is filmed before a live audience, of badgers & owls. If youve been affected by any of these stories, then howl at the moon in your back garden, you might hear someone else doing the same.

Year, 2070. In the old folks home, people can legally marry the sentient algorithm of Spotify. Until the Youtube one pays genetically edited “heavies” to transport them to a room where only Youtube videos can be watched. Outside, Spotify plays love songs.

If Ray Winstone ever loses his voice, he can still act. As long as he lip syncs to the person who advertises Vans/ tradepoint on the radio..

As my gran used to say, “What’s for you won’t go by you”. Unless it was about buses, then she said, “Those f*cking buses F*ckety f*ck f*ck!”

Elderly celebrity autobiography: I’m actually very shy…
Elderly celebrity passes away: Undertaker struggles to get body in coffin as jazz hands keep poking out.

Lord Summerisle was ahead of the game in ecology and understanding how climate change impacts the harvest. He also must have been into data harvesting, to find a suitable virgin police officer in his late 40s :)

I like to structure my days during lockdown, with a timetable of staggered events. Although I’m an alcoholic*
9am Staggered out of bed
12pm Staggered to the kitchen
3pm Staggered
5pm Staggered to the kitchen
8pm Staggered to the gin cabinet
12am Staggered to bed.

I’m a frustrated rapper/ bank robber.
I was robbing this one bank, and told everyone to put their hands up. Couldn’t resist adding, “Put ’em in the air, and wave ’em like you just don’t care!”

The tale of two Turkish brothers. One a barber; one had a kebab business. They were very competitive, Tugay and Hakan. Anything Tugay had, Hakan wanted. So when the barber got the rotating red and white pole, Hakan got a plastic doner rotating outside his Kebab Palace. True!!? :)

I didn’t enjoy school. I used to sit on my own at lunchtimes with imaginary friends. We called ourselves The Edvard Munch bunch

Ordered the salad with vinaigrette dressing.
The waitress said, Non. Vinaigrette. Rien.
I said, “Is this some kind of joke?”
She starting singing Sous le ciel de Paris.

BAD NEWS: Re test trace and isolate, the horse has bolted.
GOOD NEWS: But it’s running at the 3:30 in Cheltenham.

Finding it difficult to relax on holiday, in a cabin in the woods. I’m using a tape of whale song turned up to 11 to drown out the dawn chorus :) Although least the whales and birds make more of an effort than ambient musicians who just press a few keys on the keyboard!

Sink or swim with B*Witched (one off episode)
Hitchhiking with A1, on the A1
In the T Zone with Boyzone — 40 something skin care tips with Ronan and the lads.
In an Mmm Bop They’re Gone — Cross country hunt the Hansons, in disguise.
Diving for pearls with Deep Blue Something.

Writing a deep south love story, although having trouble with the dialogue.
“I do declare!”
“I say boy, I say…”
“Well, I do declare!”
“I say I say boy!”
“It’s a lovely day, I do declare!”
“I say I say boy, you can say that again!”

Lauren: Well, as you know you get the Bible and the Complete Works of Shakespeare. Now, we allow you one luxury to take with you to the desert island. What would you like to take with you?
Castaway: Something that I could do a ritual sacrifice with, to the sun God?
Lauren: Eh..

It’ll be the so called dawn chorus soon. Although it’s more of an improv jazz session, with the occasional magpie rattle, and tuneless crow.

Have a high IQ? And are a member of Mensa? See if you can keep it to yourself. Bet you can’t eat a donut without licking your lips either :)

I want Bear Grylls to go on Celebrity Love Island and fall in love with someone from Atomic Kitten. Then refuse to go home, scared by his GF

The Michelin man. He’s let himself down again.

If Shakespeare was alive today, he’d be writing ad libs for Made In Chelsea…and progressing to Phil Mitchell’s “You betrayed me” speech…

*Near miss at Whirlies on bus today. At driver changeover, the two drivers said nothing. Bus driver code: if no damage, no death…no comment

*Don’t make the mistake I did, and go into Ladbrokes, saying “I want to make a guess! How do I guess?” The fellas prefer the word Bet.

Virginia Woolf (born on this day) Night tonight! Can’t wait to NOT go to a Lighthouse. Wear a prosthetic nose, and eh, get really depressed?

*Went to Glasgow Science Centre. Thought they’d help me talk to my dead granny. Woman on reception said “It’s not the Glasgow seance centre!”

*I may not have a Sun Life pension, and willl get buried in a bin bag. But I have LOADS of ball point pens! F*ck you Michael Parkinson!

Doctors are angry it seems. Not about weekend contracts, but about a “Simple trick that makes you look 15 years younger…”

Heard a photo booth in WH Smith say “Thanks, and see you again soon”. Be funny if it turned up on the doorstep of the poor sod who used it!

*Terrifying that week I had concussion, and wandered around saying “Don’t you know who I am!?” Got great service in posh restaurants though!

In South America during a bad harvest, it’s up to the “Man from Del Monte” to decide what happens. In Scotland, we have a Wicker Man. Social Mores…

A brand new contest for Universities too shit to get on University Challenge! “Name a wine region”…”Jacob’s Creek?” Universally Challenged

How to lose weight in 100,000 easy steps. Take a long walk, for roughly 100,000 steps. (Without buying a Star Bar at a newsagents).

“What’s for you won’t go by you” My gran says. Although ironically, the bus went past her this morning. I pointed this out, she chinned me!!

I remember this when it was all fields! Well it still is, but I’m a genetically created talking sheep. Drinking scrumpy. So, bit of a change…

Went to the TV snooker. Was just like darts, everyone drinking pints. I yelled “In the hole!” Realised it was only me drinking, in my underwear…

*Why was Babs Windsor never a Bond girl? Snobs might think she wasn’t classy enough, but to be fair, Bond would do her, he’d do yer maw!!

*When I see an old church, I think of the builders. Surely they weren’t austere and Godly the whole time. Did they wolf whistle at wenches??

*Talked someone down from a bridge today. It was a man painting the Forth Rail Bridge. I said “Wanna go to the pub, and paint the town red?”

Feeling Christmassy now. Watched “The Last Temptation of Christ” and then mock crucified my gran. It let her sober up while she was up there…

Why can’t the X Factory stage be invaded by ghosts and zombified participants of Opportunity Knocks, New Faces, and Fame Academy? Just once!

Mona Lisa? Enigmatic smile? I don’t fancy her. I’d choose one of Picasso’s women with their ear on their forehead to take to the movies!

Jar Jar Binks not in the Star Wars reboot. However, Chewbaccas nephew “Chewey-Twoey” is! He keeps applying flea treatment, and burps a lot!!

David Cameron to visit flood hit areas. He’s like some kind of King Canute figure. Maybe. Re-arrange the letters of Canute, take out the A&E

*Got a leaflet “How to cope with loss”. Phoned up. The woman said try and remember the good things. I said, “Is this lost property or not!?”

**And everyone dies in the obits “Peacefully”, or “Suddenly” What about my great grandmother, whose parachute failed and landed in quicksand?

I don’t like “rolling news”. It’s unreliable. Especially when they roll Huw Edwards down a hill, and he shouts bulletins in Welsh expletives

We need a Ground Force in the Middle East. Alan Titchmarsh, Dimmock and Tommy. Someone will need to landscape the destroyed gardens/ homes..

“Andy Murray hits new PR low…he’s overheard saying after Davis Cup that Love means nothing to him…” Lol. What the deuce!!!

Click here to see how Dad’s Army have changed over the years! Actually don’t, it’s grim. Even the audience is the sound of one hand clapping…

Some people hate the commercialisation of Christmas, but without it Xmas day is really just a boring Sunday in the 1980s. With more calories

“Mr Bond, we’ve been expecting you!” “If you wanted to meet me, what was all that shit with the sharks and assasins?!” “Eh…fancy a drink?”

What I hate about Downton Abbey is that they never do close-ups of the walls to let me watch the paint dry! Are they trying to spoil it!?

River City? Needs Mrs Mack to move to Shieldinch. There should be a lot for her to complain about. Don’t think Glendarroch had drugs/ murder

Hapy litracy day, hop all ewe grammer/ speling fascists hav a hole lott off fun!

Ah, autumn is nearly upon us, Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness. Roast your conkers by the fire, or don’t wear a kilt, it’s up to you.

Watched a harrowing episode of Fireman Sam. End credits rolled without music. This was one fire that Pontypandy’s finest couldn’t extinguish

Nobody says “Keep it real” now. I don’t hear people say “Easy, tiger”. I’m terrified I’ll be attacked by uneasy tigers, in a surreal world!!

Bought some Eee Cigarettes online from Yorkshire. They come with free cap, whippet and a toy called “Bronchitis the smoking brontosaurus!”

Burns Night. To celebrate I got a haggis supper from Victor’s; had an affair and got someone pregnant; and ripped off Robert Fergusons poems

Taken 3? Liam Neeson, he’s not much of a child minder! Also, Mission Impossible 5!? How about Mission: Slightly Taxing? :)

That Ainsley Harriott is so flamboyant when he pours the olive oil, or grinds the pepper from a height. Bet he’s a nightmare at the urinal.

Modern “Question of Sport”? Rubbish. I want Botham. I want Beaumont I want Bryan Robson looking upside down at an upside down photo of Seve!

*Nothing like having a good old rummage about your music collection. Sadly, it’s all on an Mp3 player, so it was like being in the film TRON!

Maybe in the 22nd century we’ll get: cheesy Kraft cheese slices, cuppa soups without residual sludge, steak pies without chewy dog food meat

When’sa my Dolmio day? Sunday. Although I don’t make a point of talking to puppets. Not since I was sectioned for stalking Nookie the Bear..

I’m waiting patiently for another horse meat scandal; so I can do my “Who wants to play pin the tail on the lasagne?” joke :)

Told Doc “For all the good these suppositories do I’m as well sticking them up my arse.” He laughed, and then said it was the best medicine!

On Desert Island discs, Louis Armstrong picked his own songs to listen to as a castaway. He must have liked blowing his own trumpet. Moo! ;)

Sad to report that my Godfather, Harry has died. He made doors. His catchphrase was, “I love making an entrance”. Lol

Zombies and bondage, so fashionable. Altho’ don’t mix the two. You try and pin down a zombie, their arms and legs will just drop off anyway.

Political commentators are too single minded. I’d respect Andrew Neil if he ended “This Week” with a harmonica solo. Paper and comb even! :)

For Your Eyes Only. That brunette bird in it. Roger Moore is old enough to be her social worker. Nora Batty and Compo had better chemistry!

Can’t think of anything remotely funny or interesting to say. This must be what Ant and Decs scriptwriters feel like

The Man from Milk Tray. He was a feeder, The original chubby chaser.

This Valentine’s Day, give her what she wants — The Moon on a Stick. Failing that, giver her some Esso garage flowers, Gin and a femidom.

Saucy movie posters have the woman in fits of passion, with the man in control. Why not have the man with eyes like the cookie monster! Lol!

When Morrissey passes away, as we all must at some point, will he end up in a Moz-oleum? He’ll be there long after his book is out of print.

My girlfriend wants to go and see Fifty Shades. I reassured her that Television X is doing its own version and we needn’t go to the cinema.

I bought a nice pair of slacks, plimsolls and polo shirt from M&S…but I have scurvy. I’ve spent a year at sea trying to find Blue Harbour!

Rudyard Kipling baked exceedingly sh*t cakes. And had nothing to do with the song “I wanna be like you-hoo”..so he was actually quite pants.

Radio seems to be better than TV. If Ant and Dec were presenting on the front lawn, I wouldn’t open my curtains!

I had some Couscous the other day, it’s a funny sounding dish… A bit like what a Frenchman would say to entice a badger from its lair

At newsagents. I said, “Give us a Twirl”…the shop assistant eddied and then did a curtsey. “Just give us the feckin’ chocolate!?” I said.

England played like 3 Lions tonight. They chased the Italians round the pitch, ate as many as they could stomach. Took a dump in the dugout.

Cheryl Cole releases 4th “studio” album. There were 2 she did in her shed in Newcastle. A cover of “Fog on the Tyne” with 12 canny remixes!!

David Cameron goes to “audience with the Queen”. He said she purred like a kitten, and her itchy bum jokes were up there with Billy Connolly

Went to a time themed restaurant. I had Seconds cause of the Minute portions, and paltry Hours d’oeuvres. Staff were dressed as father time.

Went antiques shopping. Dickinson was there, talking bull in a china shop. He said the Troika was cheap as chips. It had chips and was £50!!

“Sing like nobody’s listening, dance like nobody is watching…” For most former X Factor contestants, nobody is :(

People say you have more chance of being struck by lightning than winning lottery. Why not have jackpot for those who get hit and survive?

Grocer called me ignorant. So I shoved a lettuce up his arse. That was just the tip of the iceberg. Lol

Totally saved myself in an interview. I told them I like to go “The extra mile”, and that’s why I was late and got off at the wrong bus stop

Went to see “Disney on ice”…or so I thought. It was actually “Disney in ice”…the kids didn’t appreciate a cryogenically frozen Walt!?

Say what you want about Clarkson, but if BBC lost Top Gear cash, Dr Who’s arch nemesis will go back to being a flip top bin and a plunger!

Call me old fashioned or quaint, but I hold revolving doors open for women, and if they don’t say thanks, I get out and spin them round. :)

Poison scandal at Krufts. Police have a few leads and brought in the sniffer dogs. Although they didn’t sniff what they were meant to sniff.

I didn’t last long as a Ninja trainee. When the master told me to be “Silent but Violent” I sniggered. He took back my claw and cloak :(

Countryfile are doing a special from EK. John Craven focuses on dogging up the back-roads, and how to make zubs with matches/ a plastic bag.

AVG tried to install it’s own safe search as my home page. 10 years time, it’ll be like HAL from A Space Odyssey.

I didn’t last long as head of Cyber crime at MI5. I installed AVG for free on M’s computer, opened a tin of Carlsberg and lit a Havana cigar

I can only assume that Kinder chocolate is one of the most precious commodities on earth, judging from the skin-flint amounts you get.

The first time Han Solo and Chewbacca set off to destroy the death star, they had to turn back cause they forgot Chewy’s flea medicine! Doh!

Hilary Clinton was the puppet master behind Bill… when Bill played Sax, he was miming to a recording his Mrs made!

Tied the knot today. Or had a vasectomy to put it bluntly. My lovely wife is expecting our 1st child..from the offy. Gasping for a cigarette

Welcome to Miss Universe pageant 2015. Aren’t they beautiful? Apart from Miss Alpha Centauri, she’s minging. Like a slug with googly eyes!

Went out trawling the sea the other day. Caught 3 mermaids in the net. Threw one back in, kept one for my wife, and had the 3rd with chips.

Oxbridge boat race. Either way a posho wins. Like Paxman in a speed boat, quaffing champagne and laughing in your face as you moor the dingy

East Kilbride has its own Banksy. He’s a visual, phallic artist. He sometimes incorporates biting satire to his work like: “Lisa is a slag!”

Wanted to have Super Pasta, but it’s late and that’s quite calorific. So I had a slim a soup instead, which is like Super Pasta methadone :)

Ally McCoist given freedom of East Kilbride. He gets vouchers for the off licence, half a pizza in Victors, and can go thru your underwear drawer..

How about a remake of “The Golden Girls”, where the gang solve crimes then eat cheesecake at midnight? A bit like Randall and Hopkirk deceased, only this time it’s only Rose that is alive. And only Rose can see Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia so she keeps getting chased by the old folk’s home she is interred in. Who think she’s gone senile. So it’s a race against time, and a race against crime! It could be called “The Golden Ghouls”! I should really work in television.

Nuclear talks with Iran have hit a snag. Foreign secretary likes Hob Nobs and his counterpart likes Toffee pops. Isn’t enough in the kitty for both.

New cookery reality show, called: “Make my f*cking dinner” where chefs prepare meals for Simon Cowell, who just sits there like Mr Creosote.

In the spirit of the weird, Anti-Catholic, burn Guy Fawkes Night. Why can’t we have a Henry VIII night?Where we ravenously eat chicken legs and sweet meats at street parties…Carry around 6 blow up dolls to represent his wives…And get someone to dress up as the Pope who tuts and wags their finger…It could all lead up to a mock beheading, which would be fun for the whole family. Certainly as good as burning a catholic effigy!

Prince Charles wants to curb street violence. The answer? Triffid like plants he has cultivated, patrolling the streets during curfew.

My fave search engine is Bing, although it always wants to search for Golf, crooning and White Christmas. I’ve found myself smoking a pipe..

I might go out tomorrow and by some designer Matt Alan trousers…there’s a sale you know! I’ve never heard of this guy with two first names.

What I want to know, is when will there be a government of various creatures in the universal council? ’Cause right now, people from Sunderland don’t get on with Geordies even, so I’d like to see how fishy creatures with gills get on with creatures covered in feathers.

I never lasted long in James Brown’s band. He is a real stickler for discipline. The turning point was when we were doing “Get on up”, and he said, “Fellas, I’m ready to do my thing, you know? like a sex machine.”I burst out laughing and said: James are you sure that’s wise? What’s a sex machine anyway?He punched me hard in the face after he asked me “Bobby, should I take it to the bridge?” I replied: Nah, I can’t be bothered tonight, just finish it there. They’ll never notice.

I’m a celeb? Surely the jungle is now the the c-lister’s natural habitat. If Johnny Morris overdubbed what they were saying, I might watch!

Wish I was more spiritual. You don’t even hear that word much these days. It used to be mainly The Spice Girls who felt, “Very spiritual”.

Why’s there no cure for a headache in the South American rain forest? ’Cause the parrots-eat-em-all! There you go, that’s a Xmas (cracker!).

Kissagrams? Well, I’m gonna dress up as a sexy Oscar Wilde and do Epigrams! Dial this premium rate number, for all your Wildean favourites!!

When it gets reported on news that a TV prog gets 600 complaints, surely even Bargain Hunt does, from nutters “communicating with aliens”?

“Yeah, ignorant people slag off my wrinkly legs, big arse and my horn, but it helps that I’ve got a thick skin…” Gerald, the Rhinoceros.

Asked the wife to get a couple of stocking fillers. Two prosthetic legs she bought! Weren’t even left and right!

Getting less junk mail during festive period. How am I gonna find a slut for Xmas?And which pharmacy gets me cheap Viagra? I am at a loss!

I liked a couple of early Olly Murs hits, but hearing his latest, I think he should go away and concentrate on his writing, for about 40 yrs

Got my presents, really impressed with Gran’s wrapping. She rhymed Ho, with Tesco on her latest album. Cod liver oil, and This mortal Coil!

Never fails to amaze me the amount of female dating pics taken in the club toilets, beside the condom machine! £120 dress looks best there!

Just think, one day your very existence will be fascinating to Time Team in 3034, so you may as well swan around the house, feeling special.

NEVER go for drinks with the Bronte sisters.

Charlotte drinks like a fish, there’s a crazy woman in her brain, let alone in her attic! Emily is a nymphomaniac who likes a man to treat her mean to keep her keen. And Anne just sits there grinning whilst smoking a pipe!

I got the hell out of there before the police arrived!

Got 7 questions right on University Challenge. For all their learning, contestants look miserable. Unlike the people on Deal or no Deal!?

“Life is like a box of Anusol….you just know it’s gonna be one long pain in the arse!” Forrest Glump.

Anyone know where you can get an ECT home kit? Tried the “Labot-oh my!” from Woolworths, but still feel the same about most television progs

“Poirot thank God you’re here, what did you find?” Well I walked into ze room, it was very unsavory. “A murder?” No, just a sweet trolley…

“Just back home, I thought life was sweet honey, but my head is buzzing today.” The first text sent by a honey bee to his wife. Circa 1997.

I can see how mustard gas was dangerous in WW1. English Mustard is in my cupboard and tastes pretty dangerous. But strangely moreish on ham?

Can’t wait for Portillo’s Train Journey show to do Glasgow Central to EK. Via The Burrel Collection, and eh, The Take away place in Busby?

I’m writing a furious letter to the consumer watchdog. Bought a snowman in a bottle. Feel properly cheated…didn’t even come with a carrot.

I asked a friend to covertly guide me through a date. I had an earpiece in. When he said, “Hug her”..I misheard, and started doing the Haka.

Thinking of starting an I.T. company with the slogan, “Nobody does I.T. better.” Shame I know feck all about computers…

Looked in the mirror this morning, why did nobody tell me I was a sex God? My life coulda been so much better! I work at a hall of mirrors.

Would churches make more money to fix leaky roofs if old ladies could buy season tickets like footy? So they get a good pew down the front.

I think we’d get more honest answers on BBCQT, if it was called BBQT, and audience and panel mingled around a BBQ, Dimbleby tending sausages

No truth in the rumour that an unpublished Enid Blyton novel has been found. “Five go feral in Nando’s” will never see the light of day…

My attemps to get served in East Kilbride’s bars failed when I was 12. A beard of bees and a pair of stilts didn’t fool anyone :(

On the bus past Rutherglen is a funeral directors beside a cemetery..If I was marketing them I’d say, “look at all the satisfied customers!”

Going on Dragon’s Den with my new inventions. The Alex Ferguson hairdryer. And Pete Tongs. Grooming for men. Not worried about image rights.

Bought some of that HP sauce. Paying for it over 12 monthly installments. Lol.

New Noah film is an allegory on the perils of climate change I’d imagine. No biblical epic complete without Charlton Heston. Toupee cameo?

Oh, you like Dynamo…and David Blaine. *chuckles wryly* Poor fool. You’ve obviously never heard of…The Great Soprendo!!!!! Piff paff Pof!

New dwarf planet found. I’m so over the moon. I mean, the moon is a big lump of rock. I’m over it. Period.

Ripped off at the guitar shop. They sold me a Gibson Les Dennis. When I asked them how could they..the shopowner said, “I dont really know.”

Great to hear Vera Lynn is releasing a new album. Wonder if she’s up to speed on twerking, and will she snog Angela Lansbury for publicity?

This is your life, hosted by Jeremy Kyle. Where loan sharks, fostered children and assorted enemies paint a picture of destruction and debt.

When I see an old building, I think of the builders. Surely they weren’t austere and Godly the whole time. Did they wolf whistle at ladies?

Ladies…as it’s International Woman’s Day I offer Belgian chocs, Champagne. No expectation of sexy times, until session 2. Click the link.

I’ve never watched an episode of a Danish crime drama, but everyone looks like they are either looking at ghosts, or contemplating them!?

Simon Cowell knows you can polish a turd. Piers Moron will be the head judge on “When hell freezes over”. A new ice dance show for murderers

Loved that episode of Heartbeat guest directed by Tarantino, it was like Shaft meets Midsomer murders. Greengrass pumped full of lead.Great!

In an emotionally distant relationship? Come to BP, we’ve got everything you need for Valentines. Flowers, cards, and a packet of Extra Safe

I leave to make a cup of tea during the match, and it all kicks off. Crowd trouble, players pushing each other. Ok, I’m the ref, but still!

Saw a rare functioning phone box in EK…Superman must be in the area, and who is going to vandalise the dressing room of the man of steel?

Leeds Utd to unveil new manager on Wednesday. How long have they got him in a darkened room with a sheet covering his head? Poor fella.

Joe Hart is “Head and Shoulders” above the other keepers! Get it? Shampoo. Very clever stuff. Might submit that to Gary Lineker, he needs it.

My TV detective show idea, “Quasi Modo Investigates…” never took off. Seems people got tired of the “I’ve got a hunch” recurring joke.

Wrigley’s have a new gum called “Turbulence”…is that a reference to a body convulsing fart if you chew too much of it? Sorbitol effects!!!

Refs: You never see them kick a ball. Also, if they can tune out a crowd’s voice, what chance have their wives got?

Never going back to that Chocoholics Annonymous meeting. There were just empty Penguin wrappers on the tea tray, and some unloved garibaldis

Ok, so we’ve got Han Solo, Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker back in the Star Wars fold…what’s Chewbacca in dog years? Still going?

Blair Witch Project is having a “theatrical re-release”. The trees will be played by drama students, and there will be lots of jazz hands.

Schafernaker always looks like he’s been up to something pre weather broadcast. A quickie with a MET office secretary, or a bit of onanism?

Edinburgh now has its continental flavour with the trams…now it’s only fair Glasgow should get something they have in Europe. Rabid dogs?

Missing Masterchef? Don’t worry, I’ll make you a chicken Kiev. You don’t mind if the sauce inside evaporates, right? Micro chips do you? :)

Wanted to become a pot-head. Friend said he knew a great dealer. The Spliffs got delivered. Tiny! Turns out he bought them from Rastamouse!!

Due to animal rights/ health and safety concerns, today’s Circus event will just be 3 sad clowns, being whipped by a lion tamer. Strongman will amaze you with his shrunken testicles through steroid abuse.

This solstice, take your loved one in your arms, and thank your lucky stars you are alive. If you are alone, have a Rustler hot dog instead.

Here I am at Stonehenge. There’s ancient phallic symbols, and a real spiritual feel about the place. No wait, I’m in an EK underpass, 2014.

New X rated film out. “Muppets do Dallas”, if you thought ping pong balls for eyes was ingenious, wait till you see Miss Piggy do her trick!

I really do think that animal testing of all kinds is abhorrent. Everyone knows a chimp can’t do algebra. And looks daft wearing lipstick!!!

Went back in time recently to the Jurassic period…straight off, I was getting chased through the tropical foliage by a dinosaur. He took me up into his jaws, and used my trusty Scimitar as a tooth pick. When I begged for my life, he said, “Do you ask? Beseech? Implore? Or Pray?”It was a Thesaurus!

If it’s true Argie talisman Messi doesn’t have to play well to exert an influence over the other team, then they must find a lookalike for when he’s out injured…or a waxwork version on Castors.

Some people said Brazil were a one man team. I’m not watching the game, but are they playing 1 v 11? Hope it doesn’t inflame things there.

Saw a poster in Glasgow for “An intimate evening with Art Garfunkel”. Hope he brings protection. Will it go down in the anals of history?

Wimbledon is great, but those Wombles are on minimum wage for the post tournament clear up. Uncle Bulgaria has threatened strike action!

In celebration of Le Tour de France, I’m Frenching up brekkie. Scrambled Oeufs! And as my French teacher once said, “One egg is un oeuf…”

Invited to today’s Vivienne Westwood launch. It took a while to get her into the canon, but watching her arc across the sky was satisfying!

Ghoulish Glasgow bus tour is a bit disrespectful to the dead. Why not just have tourists visit locations of recent stabbings and murders?

Served a party of 3 Clocks at the cafe today. One of them had seconds. Another had minute portions. The last one only ate hours d’oeuvres…

Life on the Moon? What about holidays? No beach. Bathe at Sea of Tranquility? “One small step for a man, one giant leap for the mankini…”

Had a great day out with Casper the Friendly Ghost…he took me on a tour of his favourite haunts. *snigger*

McIlroy “sets the pace” at the Open? Did nobody tell him it’s golf, not the 10,000 metres? I’m wasted here, you know. This is gold dust ;)

Extra Time? Pens? They should each remove a player every 5 minutes, until it goes on forever, and the GKs slug it out to decide who wins! :)

I’m a bit nervous about taking on Coco the Clown’s starring role at the local circus on the edge of town. Those are big shoes to fill…lol!

The past gave us priceless antiques. We give the future outmoded electrical stuff, crime novels and climate change!?

There is a “host” in the Counting House toilets, with a lollipop tray. Why not have a finger buffet, nibbles, canapes and amuse bouche???

Nuns outside TJ Hughes Department Store… No harm to them, but they are very old and wrinkly. There’s no proof they gave up their more nubile years to God and the nunnery. I want ocular proof, sepia photographs of them in the habit back in the 1940s/50s

They could market “Tennent’s super” to middle class people… this could be the catchphrase:“Tennent’s? Super!” A bit like Pimm’s O’Clock…Hahaha!

What I would have given to hear Barry White sing “I am the walrus”…

Wonder if the Little Chef had specially adapted little ovens and things…surely a normal one would be too big?

Apparently, Bertie Basset likes a bit of S&M….Well, it takes all sorts…

Just had an idea: if CBBC and CITV are on during the day when kids are at school, why not have them on through the night as well? Get some terrifying ex military guy from Borstal or Bootcamp to make programmes drilling some sense into errant children! :)

What a lucky b’stard Buck Rogers was…Due to some space mishap, he returns to earth in the 25th century……where 70s hairstyles are back in fashion!? What were the chances of that!

I’m having a morning like out of a Disney Movie……Song of the South, just caught my Doo Dah in my Zippedy! Lol!

I’m really getting into those graphic novels…Although when I saw novels, they are more like a magazine.And when I say graphic, they are more pornographic really.But there’s some great articles in them!

What next as an interactive television bullying spectacular?Ant and Dec go out into the city streets of the UK, happy slapping tramps?

It actually says on a Marks and Spencer’s white loaf“Perfect for sandwiches…”What else is it perfect for? Draft exclusion? Panty Liners? As a paper weight?

Famous Jockey, Frankie Dettori, tested positive for a banned performance enhancing substance in France…Maybe he should have given the drugs to his horse instead…

The problem I have with the French language is that I get confused with the word for horse: Cheval…and the word for hair: cheveux. Last time I saw Frankie Dettori in Paris, I told him he had beautiful hair.

Anyway, So last Summer, I bought an axe and chopped down an oak tree from the village square and stuck it in my living room. I left out a large whisky and an apple pie for my imaginary friend, Fungus the Bogeyman. I then called up all my relatives who don’t like me around midnight to wish them well. After that I went into the garden and made an effigy of a man out of mud…When the men in white coats came round, I threw a ball of mud at them while laughing. The policewoman recoiled when I held up a twig and tried to kiss her. I’ve only just been released from the funny farm, and now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon!??

“QPR have organised a minute’s applause at the weekend…not because anyone has died, it’s just to encourage the players who can’t remember what it’s like to be cheered on…”

“I’ve just met you, and this is crazy…but here’s my number…would you grout my bathroom?

It’s quite common to see a photograph of a girl on dating websites where the person has pixelated the face of their friends, or ex boyfriend. Would be funny if you arranged to meet in a quiet bar, and the pixelated person walked in!

Phoned a car mechanic in the yellow pages…and the guy started crying about his relationship with his father?? Turns out it was Mike and the Mechanics…

Heard “Nightshift” by the Commodores. I misheard what they were singing, I thought it was about “Sweet love” between the blokes on security!

Following on from Lance Armstrong scandal, Darts is rocked by news that Phil “The Power” has taken performance enhancing substance. Fruit.

Re Horse meat. No meat should be wasted. Example, all of the Pig is used…even the snout to hold pencils and pens in the abattoir offices.

Django Unchained? People behind overly violent films and games are often nerdy. Same with “edgy” and “dark” music. Chuck Norris does crochet

Film idea: “Terry’s Clockwork Orange”..Dawn French goes on a killing spree because nobody stocks her fave treat. Ironic classical music…

Reality TV isn’t dead says Simon Cowell. He knows what public wants. “My stylist; personal shopper and teeth whitener help me keep it real.”

Best worst chat up line I’ve heard..”Does this smell like chloroform to you?” Haha, saw it on POF. Or “Single fish” as one person called it!

Formula 1 beats Footy in my book. That’s why when I go to a match, I watch through the gap in the fence. Who wants to see whole ptich? Fools

So I called Carly Rae Jepsen… what she actually said is: “I’ve just met you, I think you’re crazy, here’s NHS 24s no. so call it maybe?”

Had a Sweepstake at work today…was a bit chewy, think Sooty was tastier.

I have a Poundshop gold card. They close the doors to the public for me, and let me waltz around, stroking my chin, looking at the Kit Kats.

“Revenge is a dish best served cold”, said Shakey. This was before the trend of lazy vengeful dinners of crispy pancakes and Microchips.

On my Ketchup bottle it says “Produced in a factory that handles nuts”. I’m OK with that..as long as the guys on the production line don’t.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, but ALWAYS judge a porno magazine by its cover. People frown upon you flicking through Razzle in the shop.

Was feeling horny, so tuned into a prog called HARDtalk on the News channel. They were talking about Irrigation! Only slightly aroused…

My grandfather was an eccentric. He used to go around town dressed as a door…Well, his motto was “Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!”

A walk down Argyle street of the year 2073, in order:

Wetherspoons
Primark
Poundland
McDonalds
Bordello
Snake oil salesman

Tumbleweeds during new pandemic lockdown

Burger King
Klorinated Fried Chicken

Museum of popular culture

Bordello
Wetherspoons
Primark
Sheriff’s porta-cabin

Went into the wrong room at the community centre. Looked at the sign on the door: “Sociopaths anonymous” They were showing them an instructional film: “Gaslight by fannies” at least I think that’s what it was called. No offence to any sociopaths, of course.

WW1: The Kaiser builds an army to compete with his cousins. And take the wind out of Marxism.

WW2: James Bond fell asleep and didn’t notice the Germans were able to fund an army to take over most of Europe. Despite Versailles.

WW3: Nothing survives, except cockroaches/ WH Smith (joke)

I have a secret double life… And I send out my secret double to live it, as I’m happy looking out of the window :)

A lot of worship seems like following someone’s OCD rituals. If there is a supernatural element in all religions, it would be more subtle and elusive than any dogma. That said, I’m surprised churches don’t sell season tickets to boost the coffers. A good pew down the front. Great

If the theory of relativity means the faster we travel through space, the slower time goes, does that mean that Luke Skywalker experienced light speed as a boring Sunday in the 1980s? C3PO brasso’d the boredom. Chewbacca applied flea ointment for the fun of it. So much for space!

Sport these days has lost its soul. It’s all about money. I think a level playing field is important. Especially in bowls.

Leader’s debate. The Scotland I believe in is a theocracy. With our spiritual leader practising from a garage in High Blantyre. He believes in pan-theism. And likes a pan loaf. If you feel rudderless, he’ll break off a crust and share it with you. Although don’t touch his Sunny D.

Why not try Spotify premium (gold), where you can actually take money from the pockets of Noah and the whale! “I just said, to Charlie Fink, ‘50p, that’ll do nicely! Thank you for the music!’ He carried on walking down the street, probably inspired with rage.” John Kaching.

Went for an acting course audition, at the Conservatoire. Someone told me to do the “tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow” speech. I thought she meant the song from Annie.

What is the human condition? Singularly, of all animals, man is the only species to blush. Altho when someone is out with their dog and it meets your eye while it’s defecating, the dog seems to give you a look saying, “Oh, the indignity!” While the habituated owner doesn’t blush

Nature is great for your mental health. Get out there, and hug a tree. Preferably in a local park, when it’s quiet. Not your neighbour’s cherry tree at their front window. And do try and keep your clothes on this time…

Here’s a date for your diary. July 17th…Sorry, I meant IN, not FOR.

Had some of those class A*** free range eggs. The chicken is allowed a day release from the farm. It takes a bus to the seaside, with its friends, all clucking contentedly. A day’s crazy golf and the bracing sea air makes for a good quality egg. Some go AWOL or die crossing roads

They’ve put calcium in my loaf. Will be toasting the milk next!

Went to the Londis and got some BARR diet cola for £1. Got home, and looked at the screw top. It said, “Recycle me.” I thought, “This is like a sh*t version of Alice in wonderland.”

Went camping. At daybreak, we heard a bear moving around nearby. As it got closer to our tent, my wife told me to shoo him. “Doesn’t look a size nine to me,” I said…”But I’ll give it a go.”

What’s the difference between Ayers rock, Martian rock and Dumbarton rock? A: Not much. People should save their money and spend it on a ticket for the 1B bus to Dumbarton! Neither of the other places have a castle!

In the 80s, women of a certain age would read Mills & Boon, keeping a little flame of romance alive in them. Or Catherine Cookson, living vicariously thru plucky Geordie lassies. Now it’s all crime fiction. Be careful if you ask them directions. You’ll probably end up in a canal!

Re — Climate Change

Wild-fires — Have people thought about trying to domesticate them?

Sea Rising — What about believing in Neptune again. If we all start believing again maybe he’ll appear?

Global warming — Save money on expensive wine by growing vineyards in Pollok. Cheers!

One of the great misapprehensions about Culloden, 1745 is that the Redcoats were initially confused by the kilts, thinking they might have been sent there to judge a knobbly knees competition. To be clear, Butlin’s didn’t train the British army in pitched battle techniques.

DREAMS
I’ve seen so many cookery programmes I could line a pastry tin in my sleep
But not in reality?
No, of course not. Last night I was captain of a war ship.

GEESE

I saw some geese flying in formation…

So?

Well, it was strange, they flew one way, then flew back the other way…

Maybe one of them had forgot something.

HORSES

I breed horses…

Oh, yeah…what does that involve?

Well, I supply the wine and roses, a sexy stable box, and the rest is up to them.

Are you sure you breed horses?

BIRD SPOTTING
A swallow, has wings like a boomerang.
Is that why they come back each year?

MEMORY
I’ve got a photographic memory.
Oh, yeah, what does that feel like?
I have to sit in a dark room and watch what develops.
Don’t focus on the negatives!

LUXURY
I’m just back from Iceland, I went there for the lovely therapeutic spa. It’s volcanic, you know…
Oh, hot water…Dried off yet?
What?
I said look at these nails. They are still pristine. I went to Debbie’s Nail bar and spa. You are dry and miles away from a volcano, my nails are dry. Who’s the winner?
Eh, this is Edinburgh, isn’t it?

ZOO GUIDE
Does anyone have any questions?
Yes, how long would it take for a giraffe’s neck to evolve in reverse, if the trees were smaller?
I don’t know.
Well, if I come back next year, will it have changed any?
Well, you might have evolved some more brain cells. So anything’s possible.

JOKE

He was 10 years her senior
Older man?
No, Spanish.

THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE LATE
Thomas and Diesel get steaming…

Bought a “Family Pack” of Bleach.
Looking forward to the fun size version
And a selection box of Brillo pads at Christmas.
Domestos, the Roman God of Toilets.

CONSERVATION
What are your plans to preserve the endangered species of the Savannah? The gnus, zebras, antelopes, giraffes, rhinoceroses and elephants in Africa; deer, elephants and gaurs in India?
Rich people play golf, we’ll turn the grasslands into golf courses…
But Sir, that would mean an end to the wildlife, they’d be pushed aside.
Not if we got them as willing spectators. Who are you to say a gnu wont enjoy Rory McIllroy t-ing off on the 18th for the championship!

TELEPHONE
I need help
Well, there’s this 24 hour helpline, they might be able to support you.
Sir, this is the First Bus Shelter Report A Defect Hotline.
I know, it’s wonderful. 24 hours. Can you believe it!? The buses don’t even run 24 hours!

SIMILE/SMILE
Poets,
What are they like?

PHOTOCOPIER

I’ve got a sarcastic photocopier, it’s a great concern

Yeah, what does it do?

Nothing I ask it to.

What like?

It takes photocopies of its bottom, and they are waiting for me in the morning.

The bottom of the photocopier?

Yeah.

What else?

It adds coffee marks to documents.

Are you sure you don’t leave coffee circles yourself?

I drink tea.

TENNIS
UMPIRE: Love!
PLAYER: I’d like to question that…
UMPIRE: The score is Love, love all
PLAYER: You cannot be serious, this means nothing!
UMPIRE: Love means nothing to you?
PLAYER: This is a tennis match, not a Buddhist retreat!

HOT!

It’s so hot I saw a mirage of a Sultan’s tent in the middle of a traffic island. A woman dancing with 7 veils beckoned me in. That’s when I realised it wasn’t a traffic island, but one of those cowpat roundabouts. It was so busy with traffic, it took 10 minutes to get back to the pavement.

SILLY
I’m not gonna lie
Why?
Cause I’m standing up
This phone call is costing me money!

BAD SERVICE
Waiter!
Yes.
I’ve finished my soup, where were the croutons?
I took the initiative and put them in your jacket pocket, in the cloakroom.
You mean to say you forgot to serve them.
Yes.

MUSEUM TOUR
Oh, it’s nice and warm in this corner, do you have the heating on?
No.
Then why is it so hot?
This exhibit is the record temperature of July 2022; it took a while to get the marble plinth here, we just knocked some old dude with a beard off his perch and recycled.

DOCTOR
Doctor, I’ve got this little rash, what should I do?
Say, “Don’t be rash.”
Are you sure you are a doctor?

TENNIS
I didn’t last long as a line judge at Wimbledon…
What did they call you, Hawk eye?
No, pigeon waddle…

SILLY
Signed up for a naturist colony.
Everyone naked?
No, I walked onto the beach and everyone was dressed as David Attenborough. There was so much gravitas on display, I felt so shallow in the nude.
Oh, A naturalist colony. They’re a new trend.

DINNER

Some Valentine’s day we’ve had, first you forget a card, now you say you forgot about our Valentine’s dinner.

Well I’m going to make you a Valentine’s dinner with these eh, Bergerac country potatoes. And this marvellous eh, Bronte country cheese.

Bronte country cheese?

Well, the Dairylea factory is in Cheshire.

Fuck’s sake!

The sauce is a secret blend of many spices that Marco Polo himself died to find.

HP?

Well, ALDI’s own brand, but just as good.

So I’m getting a baked potato for dinner.

I love you?

SILLY

Good job a seagull doesn’t go to school in the 70s. The teacher would say, when it laughs uproariously, “Care to share the joke with the rest of the class?”

DEAR DIARY DAZE
I was microwaving water to make a coffee when I looked in the cupboard for a cup, the sound of the microwave reminded me of something, and I took a notion for some coffee. And then I made toast I walked away from. It sat there getting cold… I wondered why I woke up hungry later. I wanted neither the coffee nor the toast, but was just going through the motions cause I was lonely. Luckily the boiler was making a noise to keep me company. I sat on the toilet, listening to the extractor fan for a while, it was a change of scenery.

DOGS

A Labrador is all well and good, but what you really need is a dog that looks like it auditioned for the Star Wars cafe band, on its hind legs, carrying a bassoon.

VOXPOP
Would you say you were fashion conscious?
Well, I’m wearing trousers.
Could you elaborate?
Well well well, I’m wearing trousers. And a string vest. I think I’m conscious. Unless this is a dream.

FILM NOIR
Hey sport, ham and eggs please
Hi handsome, let me pay for those ham and eggs, and then you can drive me to Dakota. Fair deal?
Sounds about right, lady.
Have you got a lighter?
No, just my shopping. I’ve got Utterly Butterly lighter, if that’s any good?
Utterly Butterly?

SILLY
Favourite cocktail?
Prawn.
No I mean a drink, like a Pornstar Martini.
Rum and coke.
No, there has to be more ingredients.
The ice has bacteria probably.

SILLY
Do you believe in taoist…
I’m gonna stop you there.
Why?
You spelt toast wrong.
You believe in toast?
It’s nearly bed time, it fills the emptiness before sleep. So yeah, toast. Toast is good. Let there be toast.

MEAT
I’m having a plant based chicken burger
Oh yeah, what plant?
A JCB. It drives a JCB and wears a hard hat.

MAGIC

I do a magic act

Is there audience participation?

Yes.

What?

They phone the ambulance.

SOCIAL MEDIA
You never stop looking at that social media feed.
I want to see what’s trending
Well, it certainly isn’t your haircut and shoes.

SILLY
Is there an echo in here?
Is there an echo in here?
No, just my pet parrot…
No, just my pet parrot, squawk!

SILLY
What do you do?
It’s not do you do, it’s who you do.
What?
Eh, I’m a proof reader.
Oh, for a publishing company?
No an off license
Is that full time?
Well no. I’m also a wedding photographer.
What camera do you use?
Oh just the one on the phone. I hang about that church days on end. It’s usually funerals, but there’s isn’t a market for the photographs unsolicited.

There’s no truth in the rumour that stone henge, one of our finest henges, is to be transported wholesale to sit on a traffic island in Bristol.

The rise of ice cream parlours/ dessert shops is reducing the amount of ice cream vans apparently. Maybe they should diversify and sell nuclear warheads.

I think it’s about time Greggs had a nuclear deterrent. Sausage rolls are too important.

TOURISM
Glenda?
What?
I think we’ve overspent the tourism allocation.
What on?
The city sightseeing bus, there’s only one main street in this town. The bus just goes up the street for half a minute if the lights are at green. 2 minutes if red… then comes back again. Let’s be honest, our toilets are more famous than our statue.
There’s a statue? Since when?

NOTICE

This store will be closed between the hours of 6pm and 6am, apologies for the inconvenience.

SILLY
Excuse me sir, I find your blackface appalling.
Come again?
And the cultural appropriation.
Cultural what?
You Sir, are clearly blacking up, and I find that song offensive.
My lad, I’ve just finished work doon the pit, and I like a bit of Motown (whistles My girl).

MANAGEMENT

Thinking of becoming a boxing manager. Big names who are interested:
Tabloid Fury Jones
Stiff breeze Smith
Thunder trunks Nelson
Make glove, and war Jenkins
The oak from Stoke
Hamfist Cassidy
Ring ready Reynolds.

RESTAURANT
Is this fish responsibly sourced?
Eh, well, I looked both ways when I crossed the road to the supermarket to buy it this morning. And I brought a bag for life.
You mean to say it’s not fresh?
It’s as fresh as the day it was caught. I mean bought.

Trivia: How did Empire biscuits come about?
Well, they were Darth Vader’s favourite sweet treat, before the robot gear. The robot gear started from the mouth, and is dental work gone wrong. He used to let an Ewok do it, and hence why he wanted to blow up their planet.

Big Spiders at the window wouldn’t have such a bad PR reputation if they carried a bucket of soapy water and a Squeegee.

SONGS
I’m a confessional singer songwriter. Glad I got that off my chest

ART
How would you describe your artistic style?
It’s very much an impressionistic style I have…
Oh yes?
Especially when I take off my glasses.

WEDDINGS

I’m a wedding planner.

Oh yeah, what services do you offer?

We do the rehearsal of possible flash points with the bride, groom and relatives. Just to get it out of their system.

Anything else?

Well, as a physical memento, I give them a photograph album with a back page warning that a third of marriages end in divorce.

Is that all?

The wedding album is a pop up book.

RASTA

Thinking of becoming a Rastafarian, it was a good career move for Bob Marley.

FUTURES

Good job the internet exists as a matter of public record. People say Francis Bacon wrote some Shakespeare, as the guy was too prolific to be true. If it wasn’t for Wikipedia, they’s be saying Gerry Marsden helped out the Beatles in the year 2600. That’s if we haven’t all converted to Newspeak by then.

ART
What kind of art do you do?
Self portraits, usually.
But the paintings I’ve seen, are just chairs.
Well how do you expect me to be two places at once!

BLEAK/ FUNNY
I’ve been diagnosed with early onset dementia
Oh no. What’s the prognosis?
Not bad. Turns out the doctor had dementia, and thought I was Jim Stevenson in 1987.
I’m Jim Stevenson, your friend!
What?

Aquafresh
1. Cleans teeth
2. Protects gums
3. Campaigns for nuclear disarmament

DAD JOKE
What’s the best thing about being an elephant?
When they go to the swimming pool, they never forget their trunks.

INTERIOR DESIGN
If these walls had ears…
They deserve a medal!
Well, they are highly decorated…

Library books:
The angler’s guide — to protracted fishing.
Ways of seeing Pinter (close, far away, through a toy kaleidoscope)
Shakespeare — a Life, wasted.
The little book of calm, for pensioners at the bus stop.
How to brazen out sleeping with your husband’s best friend.
The Idiot’s guide to being an Idiot.
Dealing with loneliness like a lioness.
Socket to me — How to wire a plug.
Beards — a history of.

BOOZE
I’d like to say, on this television programme, that I’ve been 10 years clean and sober…
(Applause)
No. Just wait a minute. I meant from 2000 to 2010, I’ve been pissed ever since. I sunk 3 cans of Stella before I got out of the taxi here!

I’ve won the American Express prize for short fiction,
Unfortunately, the above sentence is the short fiction!

BOXING
You are a gonna be hit, and go down in the first. I’m gonna hit you like a bullet train!
Oh…when’s your bin day? Mine is Thursday. I think we’ve got so many bins my garden is basically a junk yard.
What?
My manager said to Trash talk.
(Whispers) Dude, that aint trash talk. You’re meant to insult me.

DINNER

Had an early dinner
How early?
6am
What?
Well, white wine goes best with fish, and I’d opened the bottle earlier
How much earlier
5 minutes.

SHERPA

Me and my pen pal Sherpa are going on one of the most difficult challenges

You’re going to endanger their life on a foolish climb up Everest?

No we’re going to try and beat the queues and get served in the bustling elbowing Counting house on a Saturday afternoon. And then the Sherpa will take all the credit when he gets home.

ROMCOM
Hi darling, sorry I’m late. I’ve brought you chocolates…
Last year’s selection box, it’s November just now!
Right let me slip into something more comfortable
A coma?

HIGHLANDER
I stood on the brae, and I felt a quickening…
Have you tried Immodium?

TRUE STORY

I love a good passive aggressive sign.
M&S Glassford Street side, eyeballing Cafe Nero with a sign saying, “And can you be sure your coffee retailer gives a fair deal to the workers overseas?”

HOME

I’ll miss our wonky table…
Yeah, it was like part of the furniture

COMING SOON

A new animation, featuring the voice talents of:
Careful, this vehicle is reversing
The leaves rustling around Thora Hird’s grave
A cock eyed pigeon
James Mason

SHAKESPEARE

Shakespeare: I’ve got writer’s block
Doctor: unless it can be cured with leeches or blood letting I can’t help you.

SILLY
Doctor, I have a huge growth on my face
That’s your nose
No, lower
(Lower) Thaaat’s Yooour Nooossse.

SILLY

Aye, we can turn this ruined castle into Disney world for the tourists.
But it’s a ruin.
We have a sensory adventures garden
Those are nettles and thistles
They’ll love the Thistles! And we have a few water features
That’s a leaky pipe.
Stop your moaning. Here I’ve made you a Mickey Mouse head from Papier mache, get out there and sell Scotland to your public!

Energy/ Hot Water is so precious these days that it seems a shame to let it go down the plug hole after I’ve washed my cups and plates etc. Might ask the neighbours if I can wash any spare crockery.

Was gonna go into Glasgow. Then I decided I was technically in Glasgow, so in effect I brought it to me and I needn’t get up.

I can throw my frisby 200 metres
So?
My dog brings it back…
That’s far fetched.

Had an early dinner
How early?
6am
What?
Well, white wine goes best with fish, and I’d opened the bottle earlier
How much earlier
5 minutes.

Romcom
Hi darling, sorry I’m late. I’ve brought you chocolates…
Last year’s selection box, it’s November just now!
Right let me slip into something more comfortable
A coma?

Highlander
I stood on the brae, and I felt a quickening…
Have you tried Immodium?

I love a good passive aggressive sign.
M&S Glassford Street side, eyeballing Cafe Nero with a sign saying, “And can you be sure your coffee retailer gives a fair deal to the workers overseas?”

A new animation, featuring the voice talents of:
Careful, this vehicle is reversing
The leaves rustling around Thora Hird’s grave
A cock eyed pigeon
James Mason

SILLY

The ever watching pied cat of Greenhills
Train a dog to do a Grey friars Bobby in the village graveyard.
The ever lasting puddle of East Mains
The Oracle at RS MColl.
The twitching angel
Ideas to get people using the “always popular” tourist haven of East Kilbride

ADVICE

Fan of expensive vodka? Try drinking it without a mixer and you’ll see they are all disgusting. Also it’s basically just water and alcohol. Voda means water. No potatoes very often. There’s more craft went into a bottle of Mouthwash than your fancy gut rot.

HOSPITAL

Forceps
Surgical scissors
Chaka demus
Pliers

JESUS

Poets! We get it. Things are like other things!
Comedians we get it! Everyone else is daft. Or you are being self deprecating!
Jesus.

My Come Dine With Me Menu

Amusing bushes
Boil in the bag swan and seasonal veg
Gateau Dans le Chateau Avec ?
Renne, Stella Artois.

METEOR

A shooting star over Lanarkshire
3 wise men baring gifts
Buckfast
A hoodie
Murr. From the cash and carry.

REGGAE REGGAE

No woman no cry
Provisional title: “No bread no toast.”

HOME AND AWAY

Alf Stewart and the flaming galahs
Check out their latest single
“Kangaroo strides”
Available in all good imaginations!

GUITAR TECH

I like to use alternative tunings. As in alternative to being in tune.

DOLLY

Went to see a drag act, as they are popular this weather. Dolly Part-time she was called. Worked 9–12am.