Annie and Ron

CHARACTERS

ANNIE: BLACK CARIBBEAN WOMAN, LATE 20s

RON: MAN, IN HIS 30s

BARMAN: IN HIS 20s

BARWOMAN: IN HER 20s

PART ONE

ANNIE: What time is the next bus? Do you know?

RON: I just missed one, so maybe it’ll be a while.

ANNIE: Fuck. I’m meant to be meeting a friend.

RON: Oh…sorry.

ANNIE (Turns on the spot away from Ron, looking towards the city. She scrapes at snow with her boot heel).

RON: Would you like a piece of chewing gum?

ANNIE: Ok. Is it menthol?

RON: Yes.

ANNIE: No thanks, the freezing air is going up my nose as it is.

RON: Oh…

ANNIE: I’m just back from the Caribbean for this weather. I was enjoying the twilight coming on, till you told me about the bus.

RON: Caribbean. That sounds cool. Yes, I was enjoying the…light.

ANNIE: How many buses pass here?

RON: Not many at this time, there used to be a timetable but I don’t know where it went. Maybe a bus spotter has it on their bedroom wall.

ANNIE (Hits RON on the shoulder. Smiling with her eyes).

ANNIE: Sorry I didn’t mean to hit you.

RON: No, doesn’t matter. I was being funny.

ANNIE: Yes… I like your jacket. I had a boyfriend with a brown jacket like that. Where did you get it from?

RON: I think I got it from the city centre somewhere. But there’s not many shops anymore, so I probably should remember.

ANNIE: Plenty of pubs though. She’ll be waiting for me. I am late as it is…how is my hair looking? I usually wear a wig but I’m just going with the more cropped afro today.

RON: It looks good. It reminds me of singers and things.

ANNIE: Which singer?

RON: I dunno. I’m not good with names.

ANNIE: As long as you remember your own.

RON: Yes, although I had to think for a minute. It’s Ron by the way. Although it’s just a sound really. Doesn’t mean anything.

ANNIE: Mine is Annie… Anniething. Haha.

RON (Laughing): That’s funny.

ANNIE: Let’s not get into surnames, or we’ll be laughing so much we miss the bus…

RON: Yes, that’s the main thing. The bus.

ANNIE: Do you drive?

RON: No, I drive people up the wall, but no I don’t drive.

ANNIE: You are in your 30s, you really should drive. I only get the bus when I’m going into town.

RON: I’ll book a lesson tomorrow.

ANNIE: I was only kidding. There’s so much life you miss when you get the car, sealed away. From everything.

RON: Yes, that’s partly why I don’t drive. And also I have no sense of direction. I wouldn’t mind being sealed away on some journeys.

ANNIE: Really? Why?

RON: No reason.

ANNIE: Come on Ron, I bet there is a reason.

RON: Oh, most journeys are ok, but every so often something will happen that seems designed to play on your mood, or something you are worried about.

ANNIE: Worried? Let the driver do the worrying. What are you worried about?

RON: Oh nothing important.

ANNIE: Your tone and your face says mind your own business.

RON: Ha. No I don’t mean that.

ANNIE: Well, I’ll take it from your tone that you do.

RON: I’ll tell you later.

ANNIE: Later? We are joined here at the hip on a once in a lifetime trip. There is no time for later…I’m kidding, by the way.

RON: Oh, just the usual paranoia. To call it anything more would make it seem strange. So that’s what it is.

ANNIE: Oh, so it happens to you as well?

RON: What?

ANNIE: It happens to me too. And I swear seagulls laugh when I’ve scuffed my shoe or tripped a little.

RON: That’s even more out there than what I was thinking. But yes, I hear seagulls laughing now you come to mention it. But I do enjoy them flying. My grandfather used to draw them. Maybe he was part of a world conspiracy.

ANNIE: You like your flights of thought, don’t you, Ron!

RON: I say we change the subject, I’m beginning to feel like this is going to be one strange night.

ANNIE: Where are you going tonight, young man?

RON: I don’t ask a lady’s age, but you are probably younger than me I’d say.

ANNIE: You’d say right. Oh wait, that isn’t right, grammatically. Haha.

RON: Oh I don’t worry about those things. If it wasn’t for homespun wisdom and the illiterate there would be nobody around. I don’t think we are all descended from Kings and Queens.

ANNIE: I am. They call me Queen Bee.

RON: Really.

ANNIE: I wish!

RON: I’m just going into town for a pint, by the way. Quiet drink. Quiet man. Quiet life.

ANNIE: Quiet city! It is a Tuesday night.

RON: Yes, although the town I come from, a few miles up the road, is even worse. The local nightclubs, and there were a few, had loads of us going there, even during the week. Now, just one struggles to get any customers.

ANNIE: Yes, I noticed it seems quiet, at times. Although knowing my luck there will be roadworks and a procession through the city centre.

RON: Oh yes, now you are talking. Sod’s law I think it’s called.

ANNIE: Or maybe this weirdness you were mentioning.

RON: Oh I don’t worry about weirdness, I’m weird myself.

ANNIE (Pretends to walk to the other side of the bus stop).

RON (Laughing): Come back! Tuesday isn’t the night when I’m weird. I save that for a Thursday afternoon!

ANNIE (Smiling): I’ll meet you here Thursday afternoon, then.

RON: You are funny.

ANNIE: I aim to please…I think that’s my bus coming down the main street, at the lights.

RON: A single decker. Mine is usually a double.

ANNIE: Mine is a double as well, a double rum and coke.

RON: Enjoy… I enjoyed our chat. Have fun in the city, I’m going to the bus station further in. They have cheaper drinks at this pub I know.

ANNIE: Maybe I should abandon my friend and come with you, what do you think?

RON: Are you being funny? I think your friend would be disappointed.

ANNIE: What friend?

RON: The friend you are meeting.

ANNIE: I was lying, to be honest. I was walking past on a walk and liked your jacket. Do you think I’d go for a night out dressed down, like this. The truth is it’s cold, and the truth is I like to take a chance in life and talk to people.

RON: Oh, well, you could come with me into Glasgow if you are at a loose end?

ANNIE: You think I am lonely, I am never lonely. And I make sure I am never at a loose end.

RON: Anne, you are a strange lady.

ANNIE: It’s Annie!

RON: Sorry, Annie…we’ve only just met…

ANNIE: Well, I feel I’ve known you for years! Ron!

RON: Are you getting on this bus?

ANNIE: Yes!

RON: I’ll put out my hand then.

ANNIE: You better.

(Bus arrives, they get on and sit down).

ANNIE: Not many people on here, this evening. Although it’s pitch black now, I can hardly see anything.

RON: Yes, just your reflection.

ANNIE: Well, least I have one, then you know I’m real. How do I know you are real?

RON: You could elbow me in the ribs. Or hit me again.

ANNIE: Yes, I did gently hit your shoulder, at least your jacket is real. And I think and hope that my ex boyfriend was real.

RON: When did you leave him?

ANNIE: Oh, he’ll be leaving me.

RON: What?

ANNIE: He’ll be leaving me, it was him I was going to meet tonight. To tell him I’m ending it. But seeing as I’ve found a better older model with the same taste in jackets, I felt it was some kind of a sign.

RON: Are you mental?

ANNIE: I’m only kidding, I think. I hope so anyway. Haha.

RON (Sits in silence for a minute) ANNIE (Starts looking in her handbag)

ANNIE: Are you still in a huff?

RON: No I’m in puff.

ANNIE: Well, this will blow your house down!

RON: What will?

ANNIE: My wig! Here it is! And now it’s made me look more like the girls you usually go for.

RON: You don’t know what I go for.

ANNIE: You might be surprised. I might be a strange mystic gypsy for all you know.

RON: I think a strange mystic gypsy would struggle to know me. I like you, but I think we should have one pint at that cheap place I was talking about and then go home.

ANNIE (Fluttering fake eyelashes) Together?

RON: Believe me, my luck with women isn’t good and I’d be tempted, but you seem a bit…flighty, tonight. Maybe you are usually less hassle.

ANNIE: Hassle! He calls the night of his life hassle!

RON: Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude, but you’ve been lying your head off not long since I first spoke to you. It’s like standing on shifting sands.

ANNIE: You treat me like you’ve stood on something worse.

RON: Sorry Annie, I could use some friends, but I think we can have fun. One drink and then we’ll go our separate ways. We’ll always have the memory of…

ANNIE: The bus stop?

RON: Yes, the bus stop in the snow. This might be the last snow of the year…when it melts, that is.

ANNIE: I thought I had melted your heart. Okay, maybe I’ll tone down the lies now. Do you know why I lie?

RON: No, why does anybody lie? I lie to spare people’s feelings, but you’ve been direct, so I feel I can tell it to you like it is.

ANNIE: I lie, if you must know because my heart is broken. It was the fella in the brown jacket who left me last week. Ever since I’ve been going on walks when it gets dark. I thought he was right for me, and he didn’t even say goodbye. No warning, he just left. I presume there was someone else. All I can do is presume.

RON: What would gypsy Annie say?

ANNIE: I had a relative who was a mystic, but the powers must have skipped a generation. And that’s the honest truth.

RON: Do you want to know something strange?

ANNIE: Always.

RON: I think I have extra sensory perception, and I can…

ANNIE: See ghosts?

RON: No.

ANNIE: Tell me I’m going to marry a tall dark handsome man with a private fortune?

RON: No.

ANNIE: What then?

RON: I think I can communicate with people telepathically. It might explain why people seem to try and annoy me on bus journeys.

ANNIE: Maybe it’s me who wants to stay for one drink. A half pint and then away.

RON: Annie, I’m being serious. What number am I thinking of?

ANNIE: What?

RON: What number am I sending telepathically into your mind?

ANNIE: I don’t know, but I think I’ve got your number. Are you sure you aren’t schizo? Maybe I should get off at the next stop.

RON: You are free to get off at the next stop if you want to. But I hate endings that aren’t smooth. It pains me sometimes when things seem unfinished. Even a chat with someone working in a library or something. I must be a social perfectionist.

ANNIE: And you know what Ron, I think you take life and yourself too seriously, people don’t care what you think as much as you think they do. Even the check out woman or whatever that you send the number 3 to.

RON: Well, it was number 2, actually, not 3.

ANNIE: See! You are stressing and worrying too much, and I would say at danger of having some kind of breakdown. What we need tonight…and the bus is nearly in Glasgow… is to get off, spend a little cash and have fun.

RON: Ok, Annie. I’m kind of glad you didn’t know what I was thinking. I’m sick of the thought of it all. The people trying to press my buttons, the idea that they know what I’m thinking. I think I need to blow off some steam tonight. You’ve got me in the mood. Although one thing, Annie, without being rude.

ANNIE: What’s that Ron?

RON: Don’t wear your wig, put it back in the bag. It’s a bit squinty.

ANNIE (Hits RON with her wig).

PART TWO

ANNIE: Take my arm

RON: Really?

ANNIE: Why not? It’s not illegal. We’re not exchanging anything contagious. Bodily fluids or something.

RON: Annie!

ANNIE: I hate the cold, sorry. I thought if I was warmer with you, I’d start enjoying the lights of the city chambers, but no.

RON lets ANNIE take his arm.

RON: This pub you mentioned, Georgics. Have you ever been in it?

ANNIE: Not really, I pass it a lot. I work at the university. If you must know. Although the more I tell the truth, the more you’ll find me boring.

RON: You are certainly not boring.

ANNIE: My family think I am.

RON: Well, make sure I never meet any of them

ANNIE: Just at the wedding.

RON: I’m acclimatising to your sense of humour.

ANNIE: And I’m heating up. Let’s go into Georgics, it’s a hotel bar, no?

RON: Maybe that’s why it’s so empty all the time.

ANNIE: Maybe.

(RON and ANNIE struggle to open the door, as it is very stiff).

ANNIE: Fuck’s sake, I think they need to oil their door, it’s like House of Fraser here. Or that time I tried to get into the City Chambers.

RON: It’s a bit stiff, yes. Maybe a stiff drink will heat you up, and you can look out at the lights with (Looks around)…the other person in the bar.

ANNIE: Does the bar man count as another person?

RON: I suppose.

ANNIE: Well, that means there will be four people here, in this shining pinnacle of George Square. I’m glad they never took down the Christmas lights.

RON (Dourly): Christmas…

ANNIE: What did I tell you about negativity?

RON: You never said anything about negativity.

ANNIE: Exactly, even the word brings me down, so shut up, and buy your drink.

RON: What do you want to drink, Annie?

ANNIE: Oh, Anniething you can afford.

RON: Pint of lager?

ANNIE: If you can stretch to a large glass of wine, that’ll be fine.

RON: Ok, the joy of having virtually no friends or family who want to talk to me, is that I have some money left over at the end of the month.

ANNIE: What happens at the start of the month?

RON: I’d rather not talk about it, but let’s just say my supernatural abilities don’t pay the rent.

ANNIE: Oh, so you are unemployed.

RON: Let’s not talk about it. Let’s say that tonight I am employed in looking after you, and making the lights shine better.

ANNIE: Ron! That’s so romantic, are you sure you weren’t a bit drunk when you left the house?

RON: Of course, if I could see into the future I’d have known that I was meeting a mad bat who would want to see the best lights Glasgow has to offer and want to pay hotel prices in a hotel nobody goes into.

ANNIE: Just order the drink, young man.

BARMAN: I can hear everything you said about this place, you know. And he’s not so young.

RON (Quietly but unblinkingly stares at ANNIE)

ANNIE: Well you heard that he wants a lager, and I want a large glass of wine, then…

BARMAN: Coming up, sweetheart.

ANNIE: You can bring them over, seeing as you are busy.

BARMAN: We don’t do table service.

ANNIE: I’m sure you don’t do table dancing either, but the man will pay you, so you pay your respect to this lady, if you have any meaning behind your sweethearts.

RON: Eh, Annie, you sit down, and I’ll bring the drinks over.

ANNIE: No, it’s not your job to do that. This is a hotel. A lovely place with a first class view, apart from the metal cages around the statues. Maybe they table dance. Gladstone, over there.

RON: Annie…

ANNIE: Ok, I’ll sit down. I need this glass. (ANNIE sits down beside the window).

BARMAN: That’ll be ten pounds please.

RON: Thanks, I like your Edinburgh prices.

BARMAN: Like the lady said, this place has a really great view.

RON: Shame you’ve only got that guy sitting there to share it with, till we came in.

BARMAN: Oh him, that’s my taxi ride home. Or my boyfriend.

RON: Oh, well… so you really have two customers then.

BARMAN: What, do you think I gave him that pint for free?

RON: Pint? I thought he was your taxi ride home.

BARMAN: He is, he’s paying for my taxi ride home.

RON: Oh, I see. Thanks for the service. And sorry about her, she’s in a strange mood tonight.

BARMAN: I thought you’d only met her recently.

RON: Did I tell you that?

BARMAN: Yes, you were talking about it when you came in, it wasn’t difficult to overhear.

RON: Well, I do have a big head, and it’s said that whales with the biggest heads attract more mates.

BARMAN: Ok, Foghorn Leghorn.

RON: Haha. Thanks again for the drinks. And the demeanour.

BARMAN: What?

RON: I said thanks again for the drinks, is it happy hour?

BARMAN: In this place, on a Tuesday night? We’re practically dead on a Saturday night too. We don’t even promote ourselves, let alone any drinks.

RON: So why do you work here?

BARMAN: For the peace and quiet. And the tips…

RON: Happy fishing…

BARMAN: What?

RON: Dunno, I’m just going to sit down now. With my two drinks.

BARMAN (Sighs loudly).

(RON sits beside ANNIE, and she takes off her puffer jacket).

ANNIE: Well, how do you like me without my jacket?

RON: Very nice, a white tunic blouse. Won’t you be cold?

ANNIE: My perfume, what do you think. It’s Valentino.

RON: Lovely, kind of Christmassy somehow.

ANNIE: You didn’t comment on my boots.

RON: Great, ankle boots. Where did you get them?

ANNIE: Do you mind?

RON: Do I mind what?

ANNIE: Mind if I ask you to take off your jacket so I can have a sniff of you?

RON: What?

ANNIE: Keep the jacket on then, it’s what attracted me to you in the first place.

RON: Your conversational techniques are left field, aren’t they?

ANNIE: I’m having a sniff of this cordy fluffy collared winter jacket anyway, you smell good. Just your natural pheromones.

RON: I’m glad to hear it.

ANNIE: Don’t mention it.

RON: That barman is hard going.

ANNIE: Let’s not talk about him, let’s hold hands and look at the lights of the square.

RON: Eh…

ANNIE: We have used a lot of words so far, but sometimes words take things too far, when we should really just be feeling each other’s warmth.

RON: Are you still cold? Are you using me as some kind of heating device?

ANNIE: Yes and No. But if I hold your hand, I’ll miss my ex boyfriend less.

RON: Okay, you can hold my hand then. Not my drinking hand.

ANNIE: This wine was rather bitter. I should have asked you to put lemonade in it.

RON (Looks at the glass): You’ve finished it already!

ANNIE (Wipes lips): Yep, I only drink to be merry.

RON: I should have got you a yard of ale, maybe it would have lasted longer!

ANNIE: Don’t talk, you are spoiling the moment.

PART THREE

RON: Well, that experience was no stranger than usual. The barman. Although as much as I liked holding your hand, you are one weird character.

ANNIE: Ah, but it cheered you up, didn’t it?

RON: I suppose… Was that the intention?

ANNIE: Yes.

RON: Well, then it cheered me up. Right, what next? Have you had the full thrill of the lights that Glasgow has to offer, in this part of town?

ANNIE: Yes, although I’m feeling tired. I want to do something, but nothing too exhausting. We could go for a romantic walk. I haven’t had a romantic walk in years.

RON: Really, what about this fella, what’s his name?

ANNIE: In the Caribbean we have a saying…

RON: Yeah, what’s that.

ANNIE: It’s a secret, so is his name. I didn’t want to tell you Ron, but he never existed. I’ve been beginning to doubt I exist sometimes, so if I cling to you and seem vulnerable, just try and be understanding. Okay?

RON: Ok, Annie.

ANNIE: Ron, have you never noticed something?

RON: What?

ANNIE: About the bus stop near your house.

RON: We have all the thrills of a Glasgow festive night, and you are still talking about bus stops. Why can’t we talk about your eye makeup flicks? I like them, it suits you.

ANNIE: No Ron, it’s important. I think that glass of wine has made me gloomy if anything. But what I wanted to say, is, when you stand there, you see lots of people walking past, or going down the route towards your house.

RON: I know what you are going to say. I’ve noticed. The people who walk past are always different and there isn’t much down there, unless they are out for a healthy walk. And the people who go towards the house never seem like they need to, or even live in the flats.

ANNIE: Oh, fair enough. You don’t seem that bothered.

RON: It’s just part of the weirdness. Look, let’s go for that walk you talked about. Put your gloves back on, and you can hold my hand if you like.

ANNIE: Where do you want to go?

RON: We could head past the university, you might work at, and then go up towards the Cathedral. Whenever I have my belief in reality shaken, I go there sometimes.

ANNIE: Does it help?

RON: No, but that’s why I take a holdall with a few cans of gin and tonic.

ANNIE: Haha!

RON: I’m not kidding…but religion has so much baggage. The Cathedral is so old, it must have a wry sense of humour about the hopes of mice and men. And that’s my religion, a wry sense of humour about as many things as possible.

ANNIE: Is that why you are still here, talking to me?

RON: Obviously.

ANNIE: What do you think of the university?

RON: What do you think about it?

ANNIE: I don’t really have any opinion about it. I’d like to work there.

RON: I used to study English Literature there, back in the mists of time.

ANNIE: Oh, so you are a teacher or a poet.

RON: In a way. I didn’t properly write any poetry until I was past 30.

ANNIE: Teenage angst passed you by.

RON: No comment on that one. I was generally dumbfounded. And it turns out it was a reasonable plan.

ANNIE: I like the idea of study, in the library.

RON: It used to be busy, I can’t imagine many people use the books so they are dog eared and crumpled, these days. I walked past the library a while back, and there were some lights, and a few night time students scattered around, sitting quietly. I’ve seen livelier displays in a shop window. But I hope to fuck that these students have back stories and family trees and roots and all those things.

ANNIE: You don’t like talking to spirits and phantoms.

RON: Annie, if you are a phantom, then you are the most genuine one I’ve met, despite all your lies.

(ANNIE squeezes RON’s hand)

ANNIE: Do you want a memento of our evening, just to prove it happened.

RON: How, what are you wanting to give me, it’s not the wig is it?

ANNIE: No, you can have my woollen glove.

RON: I’d ask where you bought it, but…

ANNIE: Like you said, the shops are closed and I really should remember. I do! In fact, it was Zara on Buchanan street.

RON: That’s an expensive place to buy something you could have got in the bargain store. Those magic gloves, fit any hand.

ANNIE: Well, here it is. Stand on the other side of me, you can feel my hand again.

RON (Takes the glove and puts it in the inside pocket of his jacket)

ANNIE: There’s a pub you go to, near the library, why don’t we forget the Cathedral. I think picturing it as a symbol of hope is better than standing outside its dampness at this time of night in a slushy Glasgow.

RON: Oh, so you are a fan I see.

ANNIE: Sad to say, but yes I am. I’m glad I met you. I know you, and I know you are sad.

RON: You don’t sound so happy yourself after Georgics.

ANNIE: I wanted to stay, but the barman was annoying me. Sometimes if you sit in a place long enough, you feel you have stepped out of time, and out of whatever situation it is that is making you..maudlin.

RON: Okay, let’s go to the Howgait. I go there sometimes, as you might be aware. I know what you mean about that big spiritual building. The vaguer religion and belief is the better. It means people can’t have an excuse to hate each other. People have a difficult enough time with their families, without expanding the amount of people they can hate, generally.

(RON AND ANNIE OPEN THE DOOR OF THE HOWGAIT AND WALK IN)

RON (To barmaid): How!

BARMAID: How what?

RON: You know, like a native red ochre Indian.

BARMAID: Yeah, I’ve heard that one before. Have I seen you somewhere before?

ANNIE: Probably…

RON: Yes I’ve seen you before. You look strikingly, strikingly like an ex girlfriend I had. Either that or you do your make up in the same way, and have a mould of her ears somewhere.

BARMAID: I never forget when you come in, you always say something memorable. And if I look like one of your ex girlfriend’s I have to ask, do you still like her?

ANNIE: No he likes me, tonight. Just serve us our drinks. Ron what are you having, another pint?

RON: Yes thanks, Anne.

ANNIE: I know you did that one on purpose.

RON: Yep.

BARMAID (Pouring two pints): You never told me your name before.

ANNIE: It’s Annie.

BARMAID: I was asking him.

ANNIE: Who told you I wanted a pint?

BARMAID: You don’t?

ANNIE: No, I want a large glass of the sweetest wine you have.

BARMAID: What will I do with this pint I have poured?

RON: I’ll pay for it, it’s alright. I can have a pint of lager, and a pint of lager chaser.

(RON hands ANNIE a five pound note)

ANNIE: You really shouldn’t have to do that.

RON: Annie, have a seat and I’ll bring our drinks over.

(ANNIE walks away)

RON: We are on a night out, and I don’t know how it ends. Maybe you do?

BARMAID: What makes you think that?

RON: Well, last time I was here, you said something that cropped up later. A phrase I saw on the top of a cold water tap in the next pub I went into.

BARMAID: Haven’t you heard of coincidence, Ron?

RON: Oh, it doesn’t matter. I’m well used to this game. Although just when I think it’s getting dull, I’ll meet someone…

BARMAID: Her? I think she seems high maintenance.

RON: What makes you think that?

BARMAID: You owe me twelve pounds fifty.

RON: Oh, doesn’t matter. I don’t get many opportunities to meet new people.

BARMAID (Fluttering fake eyelashes)

RON: Apart from you. You look nice tonight.

BARMAID: Is that the best you can do?

RON: It’s easy to say because it’s true.

BARMAID: Getting warmer.

RON: I like your cardigan, it matches your grey eyeshadow.

BARMAID: What about my eyeshadow?

RON: Eh, it’s like, eh, a storm cloud, brooding and full of, eh…

BARMAID: Passion?

RON: Yeah, ok, Passion.

(ANNIE walks over) What’s taking you so long, Ron. You don’t bring me a drink and it’ll be so long sucker, from me!

RON: I’m coming, sit back down. No wait a minute, take your wine glass so I can carry these two frothy pints.

ANNIE (Looking towards bar): Yeah, look at the froth. She short changed you. That’s never a whole pint.

(ANNIE AND RON sit down, at a window seat looking out into the night, where a tree moves rhythmically).

ANNIE (Sits in silence)

RON (Starts whistling an improvised tune)

ANNIE (Sits in silence)

RON (Takes glove out of his pocket, and holds it on top of his head, imitating a rooster)

ANNIE: Alright, Foghorn, you’ve burst my bubble.

RON: How?

ANNIE: My sulk.

RON: I had noticed you were sulking, yes. Annie?

ANNIE: Yes?

RON: Did I tell you about the time I teleported from Paisley art centre to a mall?

ANNIE: What’s teleporting?

RON: It’s like you going into the ladies toilet there, and ending up in your flat or house. Or somewhere else.

ANNIE: Oh, so you can teleport now, as well as telekinesis.

RON: No, that’s the funny thing. I was drunk and schizo, and so many strange things had been happening that when I walked past a sign for Paisley art centre, I took a wrong turn, and went under a metal sign that just said Paisley centre. So I’ve yet to go to the art centre at all.

ANNIE: But you’ve been to the mall.

RON: Yes, and it was a great mall, they did wigs now I think about it.

ANNIE: You were looking for a wig?

RON: No, I was being calm, considering I just thought I’d teleported. Well, I’d put to the back of my mind the esp and telepathy and snide remarks from people, so teleportation was just another thing to tick off the list.

ANNIE: Well, you keep up your smarm charm act with that barmaid and you can put a cross beside my name.

RON: A cross.

ANNIE: Yes, a cross. Like a cross nun, who resents that you didn’t go to the cathedral tonight and pay homage to the big guy.

RON: Hot cross nuns.

ANNIE (Hits RON on the shoulder, harder than before) Buns!

RON: Fun fun fun.

ANNIE: I’ve got to run (ANNIE gets up and leaves the pub, with her drink still on the table).

RON: Annie! Come back!

PART FOUR

RON: Annie, you left without your coat. What are you doing sitting on the picnic benches, you’ll freeze.

ANNIE: It’s a pretty cold world.

RON: I know, I know, but I’ll do everything tonight to lift your spirits, like you did mine.

ANNIE: I doubt that’s possible.

RON: Annie, that girl in there is too young, is too weirdly similar to someone I’ve known, and as you might be aware, the only reason why she is so interested in me tonight is because you have been interested in me, tonight.

ANNIE: You see, cold.

RON: The forecast was for snow after 10 O’Clock, come on, put on your puffer, don’t make me suffer.

ANNIE: Oh you are a poet, but you don’t show it.

RON: See, it’s getting better already!

ANNIE: Would you like to see me in my satin teddy?

RON: My word, my nerves I need to steady.

ANNIE: Should we go to the bus stop? Look, it’s snowing a bit, just after you said it.

RON: Ok, you can hold my hand, and on the other I’ll put my woolen mit.

ANNIE: That’s not a real word.

RON: Absurd, absurd… she says it’s not a real word.

ANNIE: Okay okay, give me your hand, young man. Enough of this foreplay.

RON: See, better already. The world might feel like it conspires, but I knew I could conspire with the silence. A famous poet, from India or somewhere said “When the silence touches my words, I know that I have been touched by the divine.”

ANNIE: Who said that?

RON: I don’t remember, I think I got the words right.

ANNIE: You and your memory.

RON: You are developing a natural antipathy for me, it’s only natural!

ANNIE: Did you decide which singer I looked like?

RON: I dunno, someone from the 90s. Sonique or someone, maybe.

ANNIE: Sonique the hedgehog.

RON: That was my hair when I was at school. I had a spike about a foot long.

ANNIE: I know, I think I knew you then.

RON: You said that with a smile, I’m not sure you are being serious.

ANNIE: Maybe. 50/50.

RON: Did I tell you about the time I used to have a favourite hairdresser called Gary, and he cut my hair every few months, for a year or so.

ANNIE: No, obviously, tell me…

RON: Well one day I asked for Gary as usual, with one of my parents there, and a man appeared.

ANNIE: Was it the magical shopkeeper from Mr Benn?

RON: I’m surprised you remember Mr Benn, but no it wasn’t. It was Gary.

ANNIE: So?

RON: A different Gary. It’s a funny process this, at times.

ANNIE: Oh, so we’re having a process tonight, how romantic!
RON: Right, here we are at the bus station. As if you hadn’t noticed.

ANNIE: Bus stations, so much poetry in a bus station.

RON: Do you write poetry as well?

ANNIE: I am poetry, I don’t need to write it.

RON: Ouch.

ANNIE: You see, you’ve met your match tonight.

RON: How do you know that isn’t what I was always looking for in the first place?

ANNIE: You don’t know what I know!

RON: I want people who raise the bar, and take me out of myself. And maybe people who pay for their round.

ANNIE: You kept telling me to sit down.

RON: Well, maybe you were conspiring with the silence, or the squabbles.

ANNIE: I don’t know what you are talking about.

RON: Well, least we are talking.

(It starts snowing gently)

ANNIE (Holds onto RON’S ARM): Look Ron, it’s snowing again. Look how peaceful it all is. I gave you a good night, didn’t I?

RON: Yes. Yes you really did.

ANNIE: If you left the house and didn’t properly interact with me, none of this would be happening. The pubs, the fun, the snow.

RON: It might still be snowing.

ANNIE: I don’t think so, the timing is just right. It is snowing in this bus station for us.

RON: I suppose it is then.

ANNIE: Life is what you make it.

RON: Who, me personally?

ANNIE: Maybe.
RON: No pressure!

ANNIE: What would you say if I asked you to take me home, and we can watch television till the morning light. You’d be less lonely then. No come downs.

RON: You get the come down feeling too as well, eh?

ANNIE: Yes, we are peas in a pod.

RON (Puts index finger in his cheek and makes a pop sound)

ANNIE: There’s the single decker, let’s go home and watch really bad teleshopping commercials.

RON: We have to. Come on, get on the bus. The snow is getting heavier.

ANNIE: You have had a fine romantic night?

RON: A fine romance, on a fine romantic night. Alright?

ANNIE (Kisses Ron on the cheek) Alright!

(The bus drives off into the night. It’s reflection in the closed city shop windows)

PART FIVE

ANNIE: Is this your front door?

RON: Well, I hope so…or someone sitting watching the Hollyoakes omnibus in their pants is going to be upset.

ANNIE: Are you not going to carry me over the threshold?

RON: The what?

ANNIE: The threshold, we are kind of married. We are married together, forever in love.

RON: Just get in, and stop the nonsense. What do you want to drink?

ANNIE: Just run me a bath. You have hot water don’t you? It hasn’t been cut off?

RON: Yes I have hot water, although I can’t afford to have you sit in soapy suds all night. Also, there’s no door on the bathroom just now. So I’d rather you didn’t have a bath to be honest.

ANNIE: No door, you’ll be able to hear me sing, while you pour me a margarita.

RON: Pizza?

ANNIE: No, I am presuming you have a cocktail cabinet in this fine residence.

RON: You’d be presuming wrong.

ANNIE: Right, I’ll just slip out of these wet clothes. Where do you keep your bath robe?

RON: Bath robe? Annie, I thought we were going to watch television? What’s all this seductive stuff? I thought we knew each other better by now.

ANNIE: You wouldn’t rather chat to me in the bathroom?

RON: What, while I sit on the throne?

ANNIE: You make it sound so low rent. I thought I was going to give you the night of your life.

RON: You try too hard, maybe what I’d prefer is to be friends. I could use a friend these days.

ANNIE: OK, well, at least let me sit on this fine couch in my nightie. I’m doing it as much to boost my confidence as much as yours.

RON: Annie, can I ask you something?

ANNIE: Yes, although I know you don’t have a cocktail cabinet.

RON: Well, as a matter of fact…yes I don’t. But where do you go, when you go back to your… house? You said you weren’t quite of this world. I see and hear people appear, like those little figures you get on a wonky clock which hasn’t chimed the right hour in years. Sometimes, if I make a mistake or something, a door will open and a voice will sound out. The walls are so thin to be honest, I’m surprised I don’t hear people more often.

ANNIE: And you don’t smell any dinner at dinner time?

RON: Yes, you know all this?

ANNIE: Who cares! Let’s have a midnight feast. Did you know in Sweden, where my sister lives, they have daylight all day and all night…and then for the other part of the year they have night all night, and night all day. I think I prefer night.

RON: Why, you’re not a vampire are you?

ANNIE: I vant to bite your finger.

RON: Well here’s two.

ANNIE: Peace to you as well.

RON: Wrong side. Right I’ll go and get you a can of lager.

ANNIE: Do you not have something sweeter?

RON: I could put sugar in it. I’ve plenty of sugar. If you were a neighbour and you ever needed to borrow a cup of sugar, I have plenty.

ANNIE: Is that why you have a paunch?

RON: No, that’s probably all the lager. I don’t know why I buy sugar. I don’t eat cereal, and I don’t put it in my coffee.

ANNIE: Maybe you like to waste money.

RON: No, I’m very prudent, apart from tonight.

ANNIE: Tomorrow, when we go out, after my morning bath, I’m going to be buying all the drinks.

RON: I can barely think of what’s happening in the next five minutes, let alone tomorrow.

ANNIE: Why do you have a dead bee on your window ledge?

RON: Oh that was a while ago. And it reminds me, I tried to revive it with sugary water, when it looked like it was dead.

ANNIE: And now it is dead?

RON: No, it revived for a bit, and flew around drowsily, but when I went out that morning to do my shopping I came back, and it was lying on the carpet.

ANNIE: Well, you can tell the queen you tried.

RON: I thought you were Queen bee.

ANNIE: You know it, mister. Right what’s on television?

RON: I dunno, I’ll switch it on.

ANNIE: Do you have Netflix?

RON: You have it?

ANNIE: Yes, how else do you think I pass the time? Sitting in my teddy nightie alone, whistling to myself?

RON: It’s an attractive image, I’ll give you that. No, I just have the programmes that come with Freeview.

ANNIE: Well, give me the controls and I’ll see what’s on. Ah crap, it’s mostly Teleshopping. I don’t want to buy paints, although they seem to have painted on a smile. What’s the next channel? No I don’t need a jet wash for my monoblock.

RON: I thought you had a car, where do you park it?

ANNIE: Ron, I have a fleet of cars for all you know. And a man in every port.

RON: I’m saying nothing.

ANNIE: Saying nothing is saying something. You can’t not think. Even with your eyebrows.

RON: You can think with your eyebrows.

ANNIE: No but you can knit with them. And you are knitting too much and not relaxing enough. You are stressing me out, when I should be having a great time.

RON: When you are in my bed, and I’m on the couch tonight, what will you be thinking?

ANNIE: Ron, don’t ask so many questions, a girl likes to retain a bit of mystery.

RON: Life is too mysterious. I’m growing sick of it.

ANNIE: What’s the cure?

RON: Getting more pissed.

ANNIE: No, the cure is me slowly, very slowly coming over to your side of the couch, and laying my head on your lap. Relax Ronald, that’s why I was chosen to be here.

RON: Chosen, who chose you?

ANNIE: I chose me, and in a sense you chose me.

RON: Ok, I’m feeling tired to be honest, I’m going to close my eyes and see what happens.

ANNIE: You close your eyes, it’ll be dark, that’s what usually happens…

RON (Yawns): Yes.

PART SIX

RON: Don’t open your eyes.

ANNIE: Why?

RON: I just want to enjoy you sleeping for a while longer.

ANNIE: I thought it was you that was going to sleep.

RON: No, that was hours ago. I just sat here, and it’s nearly dawn. You can hear that crow outside.

ANNIE: Oh, yes. Right, I’ll close my eyes again. How long were you thinking I should close my eyes for.

RON: Until I make peace with the strangeness of the world.

ANNIE (Sleepily): Could be a while…

RON: When you were sleeping, I convinced myself that everything is perfectly normal.

ANNIE: And you are saying that I’m not perfectly normal. I may have to open my eyes and fizz with a face like thunder.

RON: No Annie, it’s not you, it’s everything around us.

ANNIE: Are you stealing lines from West Side Story?

RON: Seems pretty appropriate to be honest.

ANNIE: Right, you can’t just sit here being maudlin all day. Let’s have a shower.

RON: Are you sure?

ANNIE: May as well, there’s no door you said.

RON: I’ll put the door back, it was leaned up against my bedroom wall.

ANNIE: Oh, I haven’t been in your bedroom yet.

RON: Maybe you should go for a longer rest, and I’ll put the door back on its hinges.

ANNIE: Why was it off its hinges?

RON: Well, I rarely get any visitors and I never like to miss my music when it’s playing.

ANNIE: So when you go for a pee, you’ve got one ear listening to your music?

RON: Yes. Is that pathetic?

ANNIE: No it’s nice, I suppose. Right I’m getting up, you get up too.

RON: I can’t get up.

ANNIE: What did I say about negative thoughts?

RON: It’s not a negative thought, my legs are dead. I think you’ve cut the circulation.

ANNIE: I’ll rub them for a bit, get the blood flowing. Is that nice?

RON: I’m not sure I’ve had anyone rubbing my thighs since I got a football injury.

ANNIE: Oh, which team did you play for? I can’t imagine you playing football.

RON: It was so long ago. I had a family then. And friends.

ANNIE: What position did you enjoy?

RON: I was left back. In the dressing room.

ANNIE: Are you kidding me?

RON: Yes.

ANNIE: Right Ron. I’m gonna make all your dreams come true. Once you’ve stopped walking like you’ve just got up from your deathbed.

RON: I wish I knew what these dreams are, that you can make come true.

ANNIE: I’m a psychologist. You liked my teddy nightie, you just didn’t say. You like romance, although you don’t show it. And you want me to put the door back on its hinges, to save yourself the bother.

RON: Could you?

ANNIE: Could I what?

RON: Be a darling, the tool box is in that cupboard.

ANNIE: Right mister. I’m going to bed. Where I expect you to join me in five minutes.

RON: I might listen to the radio for a bit.

ANNIE: Okay, let’s go to the kitchen. No, get out the guest towels and stuff, and then wait for me there. You can imagine me in the shower, while you make my breakfast. Don’t put the door on just yet.

(ANNIE has a shower, and sings a made up tune with gibberish la la las).

RON: Do you feel nice and fresh now?

ANNIE: Yes, although I was hoping you would get fresh with me.

RON: I like to treat a lady like a lady.

ANNIE: And there was me prepared to take it like a man if necessary.

RON: You’re funny.

ANNIE: Darn tootin’.

RON: What kind of bread do you want, white or brown.

ANNIE: Brown.

RON: What do you take in your coffee?

ANNIE: I like my sugar with coffee and cream, but I see you’ve got oatmilk.

RON: I’m trying it out.

ANNIE: And there was me thinking oats were for horses.

RON: Are you kidding? What about porridge oats, I’m a proud Scotsman.

ANNIE: Yes, a magnificent specimen. Flex your arm a minute, I want to see you look as rugged as that stubble. My magnificent Highlander.

RON: Think the highlands are a bit further north.

ANNIE: That’s what I was going to say, why don’t we travel somewhere today?

RON: I’m a homebody, I thought we could just watch television.

ANNIE: You have television channels from the 1980s.

RON: I don’t feel like travelling, yesterday brought the strangeness home, and I want to shoo it away again.

ANNIE: Ron. If I wasn’t such a lady I would walk out just now.

RON: With your towels on?

ANNIE: No, like this (Annie lets towel drop)

RON: Annie, you’re naked!

ANNIE: Ok, don’t worry. It’s perfectly natural. I wasn’t born wearing leggings, you know.

RON: Here’s your towels.

ANNIE: I don’t want them, I gonna put on my heels and parade about here.

RON: You do realise the curtains are open?

ANNIE: If your neighbours want to play peeping toms anonymous let them. You have me now. Be proud of your manly conquest. I’m falling for you, and until you fall for me, I’m not putting clothes on.

RON: For once in my life I’m speechless.

ANNIE: Don’t talk, just kiss.